Primary Infertility... Second Time Around

My boys.....

2010-12-16T14:27:00.000-08:00

My boys. (Well, not Santa... He's not mine. :-) Evan was 16 weeks in this picture.

A bunch of firsts!

2010-12-03T12:03:00.000-08:00

Sorry for not posting sooner. I've been reading but haven't had much time for posting between work, family and laundry. (How can one baby make sooo much extra laundry?!)

Evan is 4 months old now. He's rolling over back to front and occasionally, front to back. He's playing and generally keeping us entertained. Yesterday was our 4 month dr. appt. Evan weighed 14lbs 10 oz (50th percent) and is 26.5 inches long (75th percent). His head circumference lags a bit (10th percent) but the dr. isn't concerned as he's got a little flat spot on the back of his head from sleeping on his back. He's got a sort of continually eye infection in the left eye. We are on our second eye drops. Hopefully, the tear duct will clear up or we will be looking at surgery on it a few months down the road. :-(

We got the green light to start rice cereal. I, apparently, was more excited about that than Evanwas. He took the spoon just fine but wasn't sure about the cereal. The dr. said to start fruits and veggies this next week. Hopefully, he will be happier with solids once they have a bit more flavor.

Yesterday was a big day... not only did Evan try his first solids, but my 7 year old lost his first tooth. The tooth had been loose for weeks but my son hadn't been working it much. Last night, however, the last root gave up and out came the tooth.

First solids and first tooth! December 2, 2010 was a big day!

Better late than never, right?

2010-09-10T09:51:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it has been six weeks since Evan was born. I have tried to find time to log in to Blogger since his birth but it has been crazy. Technically, I have been off work but that hasn't really happened. Between the phone calls, emails and projects (ick!), any "free time" has been consumed by work which truly sucks.... I started a post on August 20, but never got to finish it.

I'll post the full birth story later but Evan was born at 5:07 pm on Friday, July 30. Pictocin was started at 5:30 am that morning and I began pushing around 3:30 pm. Two long hours later, he arrived weighing 6 lbs 5 oz and measuring 19 inches long. Presently, I think he is around 8 lbs 2 oz. Breastfeeding hasn't gone well but that's another long story so we are breastfeeding and supplementing with formula via a bottle. (If anyone can use Similac coupons, shoot me an email... I have lots).

Birth pictures of Evan are above from the hospital. He's one day old in these pics. He looks like my DH. All in all, we are doing ok. I survived my mother-in-law's visit and the visit of some of my dh's friends from out-of-state.

Induction scheduled...

2010-07-22T08:59:00.000-07:00

So, at 37 weeks 6 days, I'm 100% effaced but still just 1 cm dilated. If baby boy doesn't make his appearance before next Friday, July 30, we are to go to the hospital at 4 am to start inducing the birth.

Let the countdown begin....

37 weeks tomorrow....

2010-07-15T15:31:00.000-07:00

37 weeks tomorrow. I can't believe we are getting so close. Still seems surreal. As of today, I'm 80% effaced but still only 1 cm dilated. In the last week, effacement progressed 30%. If it continues at a similar rate, I suppose baby could arrive by the end of next week. One can't help but dilate once effaced at 100%, right?

OB will discuss induction at my appt. next Wed. because of my underlying high bp. She's looking at July 30 or at 39 weeks. I'm not sure we will make it that far, but who knows.

I can feel the baby moving really low (and sort of painfully) now. Feels like he's right on top of my cervix. We got a really creepy u/s pic of his face today. If the pic is accurate, his nose and mouth are grotesquely deformed. I'm hoping he's perfect!

36 weeks...

2010-07-09T12:12:00.001-07:00

The internal exam yesterday showed I am 1 cm dilated and 50% effaced. The OB seemed surprised at how low the baby’s head is, but didn’t tell me the station. She said I could deliver at any time or go for a couple of weeks. She didn’t seem concerned that if I had the baby in the next week, I would only be 36 weeks and didn’t tell me to rest or take it easy. Much more spotting after yesterday’s internal than last week’s, with the same continuing today. I’m attributing that to the fact that my cervix is apparently much softer than it was last week. Overall, the cervical progress, I think, is good news.

My OB expressed a little concern because my bp was slightly elevated yesterday at 140/80… ha! I can tell her exactly why- the whole dispute with the peri and the OB over proper monitoring protocols based on my situation. I am more and more convinced that this is a personality conflict/ego war between the peri and the OB. I told the OB that the peri has a different opinion as to performing the biophysical profiles and non-stress test than the OB does. The smirk on her face at that point, coupled with her question “Oh yeah, what did she say?” gave it all away. It was a priceless expression and I felt as if I were a high school student engaging in the latest gossip. The problem with that is that this is about me having a baby not about the OB’s and peri’s egos and gossip regarding the other. I feel stuck in the middle of the two of them. I learned from the very kind nurse at the peri’s office that the OB did her residency under the peri and I wonder how much of this has to do with that former relationship.

The bottom line is if I have sonos/non-stress tests with the peri on Mondays, the OB won’t do any monitoring. The peri conceded to seeing me once a week with the understanding the OB would monitor on Thursdays when I see her, which isn’t the case. If I decide to skip the peri altogether, the OB will do sonos, but not non-stress tests. So, I have three options: (1) see the peri for sonos/non-stress tests on Mondays and have internals with the OB on Thursdays; (2) go back to seeing the peri for sonos/non-stress tests two times a week and see OB for internals; or (3) skip the peri altogether and just see the OB who will do internals/sonos, but no non-stress tests. Right now, I’m scheduled with appointments for option 1. Not sure what I should do. It is difficult to make a decision when the two drs express such varied opinions on the proper protocol. For now, I tend to be sticking my head in the sand and just hoping the baby comes soon so that decision is over. Otherwise, I’m just hoping whatever decision I make doesn’t lead to regret later. I know the decision the OB wants me to make is to skip the peri altogether. Yesterday, she talked about how her office’s equipment is just as good as the peri’s. I wanted to scream that this isn’t about how good the relative equipment is, but rather about me successfully giving birth to a live, living-breathing baby…. Grrrr.

35 weeks...

2010-07-02T10:01:00.000-07:00

I’m 35 weeks today. Biophysical profile and non-stress test continue to be fine. I’ve had some mild low cramping off and on. Not sure if these cramps are BH or not and I have a strange vibrating feeling around my cervix several times a day for the past few days. Not sure what that is either. Internal at OB yesterday showed .5 cm dilation and softening cervix. Some spotting afterwards and continuing today, but OB says is to be expected. The baby is estimated to weigh 5 lbs 5 oz at this point.

Unwanted drama with the OB because she doesn’t want me to continue to see the peri on the basis that I am not really high risk simply because of my “advanced maternal age” and pre-pg chronic high bp. She doesn’t think the monitoring the peri is doing is necessary. I tried to explain, although I don’t think I was very articulate, that my anxiety is a function of residual IF fears, the fact that it has taken 12 years to get to this point, my age (40 two months from tomorrow!), and that the additional monitoring is reassuring for me mentally. She said if I continue to see the peri, she doesn’t know what I need her for. Ummm, to deliver the baby? She additionally said I need to have a life and going to the dr. 2x per week isn’t conducive with a life. I tried to explain that right now, having a successful pregnancy IS my life. Ugh.

I went to my peri appt this morning and talked to the peri. I ended up crying (stupid hormones). The peri was adamant that the monitoring in my circumstances is standard medical protocol but has agreed to see me once a week instead of 2x. I’m happy with the compromise but doubt the OB will be.

If I weren’t so close to the end of the pg, I think I would switch OBs. I like her but I feel she doesn’t understand my needs or what pg after IF is like. While I know it is unlikely for anything to go wrong at this point, it does happen and for those it affects, it is certainly devastating. If additional monitoring could prevent such a loss, then I want the additional monitoring. Hopefully, she will take the news that I am still seeing the peri at my appt next week ok. I mean, I have enough on my plate to worry about whether the OB is pissed at me for trying to do what I believe is right for me.

34 weeks...

2010-06-25T08:04:00.000-07:00

34 weeks today and at peri appt this morning, baby boy looked fine and passed his non-stress test without having to be buzzed awake as at the last visit.

Still incredulous that after almost 12 years of infertility, I may be holding my baby in a few weeks... I don't think I will actually believe it until he's in my arms!

No contractions and no BH contractions either. I suspect my feet have another full six weeks of swelling to endure. : )

Relief!!!

2010-06-15T08:38:00.000-07:00

The baby looks perfect! At 32w4 days, he is estimated to weigh 4lbs 9oz. The peri did a full biophysical profile today and all was as it should be. Because I have chronic high blood pressure (although controlled before and during the pg), the peri will start doing the biophysical profile 2x a week. While I think this may be a little overkill based on the fact my bp is controlled, the constant assurance that all is ok will help me get through the last few weeks of pg.

Thanks for everyone's support relating to my last post and worrying about the abdominal measurement.

Oh, and he's turned and is head down.

32 weeks....

2010-06-11T09:53:00.000-07:00

32 weeks. My hands are miserable with the carpal tunnel. And I can't seem to stop worrying about the abdominal measurement lagging 3 weeks or more behind at my last ultrasound appt. While I am so grateful to have made it this far, I can't imagine something going wrong at this point. Ugh. Today is not a good mental health day. Sniff, sniff.

30 weeks, 5 days....

2010-06-02T12:25:00.000-07:00

I'm 30 weeks, 5 days. I have a feeling the next few weeks will go by sooo slowly. I saw my OB today. All seems ok. Baby is transverse lying sideways across my abdomen though, so unless he decides to turn in the next few weeks, we will be headed for a c-section. In his present position, apparently, he can swing one or more feet down and give me a good wallop on the 'ole cervix. Not such a pleasant sensation! I am thinking he may more likely end up breech instead of vertex based on the way he's positioned, but time will tell.

He is estimated to weigh 3 lbs, 5 oz. presently. All his measurements were in the same range (30-31 weeks) except for his abdominal measurement which was only measuring 28 weeks. Should I be worried? My OB didn't seem concerned at all... She also didn't measure my cervix, which I thought she would since I was borderline at 24 weeks. I think it will get measured when I see the perinatologist in 2 weeks.

The only really unpleasant pregnancy symptom I have developed is carpal tunnel syndrome in both hands so that my hands go numb frequently and tingle unmercifully to the point of being painful. I had acupuncture last week but couldn't really tell any improvement. I'm supposed to go again tomorrow. My OB suggested wearing wrist braces when sleeping so I guess I'll try that to see if that gives some relief. The good news is that CTS generally goes away within a few months of delivery.

44 more days to term at 37 weeks and 65 to my edd. I can't believe it really. Five more days and only 2 months until edd.

Sad News for a Friend....

2010-05-20T13:03:00.001-07:00

So sad for fellow IVFer, Brooke at Scifibaby. She lost her tiny son on Tuesday of this week after her water broke prematurely at 16 weeks. Please give her some support.

26 weeks 4 days.... and no bedrest!

2010-05-04T08:21:00.000-07:00

I had my repeat transvaginal ultrasound today at the perinatologist's office and my cervix measured 2.75 and 3.1 when my stomach was depressed so there's been some improvement from 2 weeks ago. Now, the peri doesn't want me to come back for 6 weeks! While that's good news, 6 weeks makes me kinda nervous... (OK, if I'm being really honest, reallyreallyreallynervous!!)

Next appt is with OB on June 2. I find out the results of the glucose screen today. Hoping I passed.

24 weeks 4 days.... (updated)...

2010-04-20T08:45:00.000-07:00

24 weeks and 4 days today and had check up with peri. Baby looks good and is measuring right on for some measurements up to a week ahead. That was good news... However, my cervix has shortened from 4 at 12 weeks to 2.55 today, so I'm supposed to stay off my feet. I'm thinking that bed rest at some point will be inevitable, but at least for now, cervix remains closed. (yay!).

Ffn test today as well. Waiting for those results. Back to peri in two weeks for another cervix check and Ffn test.

Just hoping my body cooperates to keep little guy in place for many more weeks!

Update: The Ffn test was negative. Whew!

22 weeks and 3 days....

2010-04-05T15:46:00.000-07:00

22 weeks and 3 days and nothing exciting to report (but... boring is kinda nice!) OB appt today with a sonogram and baby looks fine. He is estimated to weigh 1.4 lbs and is measuring about a week ahead. My cervix is holding in there at 3.2.

Baby was fairly inactive before the ultrasound early this afternoon, but since he has been moving like crazy. The ultrasound tech was awesome, although she had me in tears telling me about her sister's adoption of an infant. Adoption always touches my heart because of my son. In a strange coincidence, her sister decided to name the baby what will be our son's full name, Evan J____. Our last name is a first name so we had a hard time finding a name that didn't sound like a good-old-Southern-double-first-name. It is nice to have settled on a name.

Dh gave me a boxed set of classical music cd's this morning to listen to in the car on my way to work for the baby. Hopefully, the baby will like Beethoven and Mozart.

20 weeks, 4 days....

2010-03-23T14:57:00.000-07:00

Appt. with the perinatologist today, although I only saw the sonographer. I'm pretty sure the peri's practice is rather a racket but since the racket provides reassurance that all is well, I'll play along... The sonographer explained that unless she sees something questionable, I likely won't see the perinatologist again. Here's hoping I never see the peri!

So, at 20 weeks, 4 days, all appears well. The measurements were mostly right on target for gestational age and the baby is estimated to weigh 15 oz. He gave a big yawn during the ultrasound. So cute! He kept his hands up toward his face almost the entire time so it made getting a good profile picture rather difficult, but at least we could see his head this time. The last time, the sonographer couldn't get any skull measurements because he was so low.

23 days to potential viability (but I'm not counting.... lol!)

My job as an attorney is mostly a desk occupation, with the occasional court appearance thrown in the mix.... and my back isn't liking all this sitting. I try to get up and move around periodically, but I'm still experiencing some cricks and icks. I've taken to switching desk chairs half way through the day and using the heating pad on my back through out the day. Fun stuff! (But I know the pain is worth the reward!)

I really still can't believe I'm expecting. Me! After 11 years of hoping, praying, wishing, crying, etc. Me.... baby... growing inside. Amazing!

On another note, my 6 year old son is apparently getting married today. We were at dinner (after laboring over selecting new carpet at Home Depot, which took forever and was a beating...) last night and he saw some girls from his school. One came over to our table and said she wanted to kiss him on the lips! Then she returned to our table and said she was going to marry him at school today! I figured he would forget the incident but this morning when getting ready for school he said, "So, I guess I'm getting married today". Lol. Boy, they grow up fast... I can't wait to hear how his wedding day went tonight when I get home from work. Kids are funny!

Those vibrations on my cervix....

2010-03-11T15:21:00.000-08:00

Yep... Most likely baby said the labor and delivery nurse at 3 am this morning... I had some substantial cramping in the middle of the night and being as paranoid as I am, we headed to the ER. I am afraid of being haunted by what-if's if something happened and I hadn't done everything possible to prevent a bad outcome.

We lucked out because the ER dr used to be a practicing OB and was super-nice. I explained that this was a long journey to get to this place and as a first pregnancy, I have no idea what is normal to feel and what isn't.

Cervix is closed. No dilation. No UTI. No appearance of leaky amniotic fluid. Ultrasound looked perfect and my borderline placenta previa looks as if it has resolved itself (yay--- maybe no c-section for me!) Baby was measuring 18w5d, which is right on schedule. All reassuring news and the L&D nurse who came down to the ER to check me out said that the vibrations were likely the baby and that the movement can be felt on the cervix depending upon the position of the baby.

Reassurance is nice... even if it comes at 3 am in the ER......

Strange sensations....

2010-03-10T14:30:00.001-08:00

I'm 19 weeks on Friday and having some strange sensations....

Anyone have strange sensations in the cervix/vagina location like a vibration or fluttering? Is that the baby moving around? (I know he is head down right now). I can't really tell if I can feel him yet. I mainly feel the vibrating/fluttering thing when I am sitting down. I thought if it were the baby, I would feel it a little higher up in my uterus instead of feeling like it is in my vagina....

Any ideas?

Blue....

2010-02-23T08:35:00.000-08:00

I had a little scare last week feeling lots of pressure in my uterus/vagina. I called the dr. late last Friday afternoon when I decided that things were decidedly not normal (a hard determination never having been pg before!) I was instructed to go the ER to check things checked out. On the way to the hospital, the nurse called back and said that the pressure was likely due to a UTI and to go home, rest and drink lots of cranberry juice and if there was no improvement, to go to the ER. Otherwise, she made an appt for me for Monday morning. So, all weekend I drank the cranberry, hoping and praying the dr. diagnosed the problem accurately. I hardly moved off the couch. I literally counted down the hours until the Monday morning appt.
At yesterday’s check, it indeed appears that it is likely that I have a UTI. We won’t know for certain until the culture comes back tomorrow, but the OB prescribed antibiotics with lots of liquids. Otherwise, the internal exam appeared normal. That was a relief!
And… despite my loathing of the peri’s office, with its less than warm doctor and excruciatingly ridiculous long waits, I went to the peri appt yesterday. When I started having the pressure last week, I decided not to cancel the appt as was the plan as I knew the peri would do an ultrasound. So, detailed anatomy scan yesterday and all looks like we are growing a perfectly healthy baby boy.
My son was thrilled as this was his wish. He had told me the night before he didn’t want a sister because she would boss him around. I reminded him that he would be 7 years older than the baby. His response was that it wouldn’t matter, she would still boss him around. At least he has the way of the world figured out at the ripe old age of six!
I was not a bit surprised when the ultrasound tech said she saw boy parts. That was my guess and I’m just happy it appears the baby is healthy, even if I don’t get to shop for pink, girly stuff…. I get to shop for BLUE! :)

14 Week 6 day OB Appointment and G-day Delay

2010-02-15T13:43:00.000-08:00

In the midst of an all-time record snow storm for Texas (seriously, we got 12.5 inches at my house, when two inches is a huge news story), I made it to my OB check up. Nothing earth shattering and all seems well. I laughed silently when the new OB did an internal to see if the baby could fit through my hips. Ummmm... small boned is something I have never been accused of being and Dr. D confirmed, there shouldn't be a concern there. :-)

The nurse dopplered the heartbeat, which was 160 and said the heartbeat sounded strong and regular. Yay! Dr. D was reassuring about the fibroids as was the old OB and didn't seem too concerned. With Dr. D's consent, I am cancelling the peri appt I have on Feb. 22. Although it means giving up an ultrasound, the "scare tactics" or worst case scenario presentation (without the disclaimer of the scenario being the worst case) caused me to struggle more emotionally so I am opting not to see Dr. WorstCaseScenario again.

The Dr. D asked about completing the second part of the sequential screen and I told her I didn't think I wanted that test based on the NT scan and the first part of the sequential screen coming back good, the 1st tri results being more accurate and a higher chance for a false positive with the quad screen. She said that was reasonable under the circumstances and that she was comfortable with my decision.

My bp was elevated at the OB's office (160/90). I have chronic high bp anyway. I was instructed to lie on my side and literally 2 minutes later my bp was 117/58. How is the medically possible? Baffling to me.

My next OB appt is March 4, where I will get an ultrasound. G-day was scheduled for Feb. 27, but since the next OB appt is only a few days later, I have cancelled the ultrasound center appointment, telling myself that I can be patient for a few more days. So, we are back where we were last week--- 16 days to G-day. Patience is a virtue, right??

I can't wait to see the baby again! It has been 3 weeks since my last u/s and will be over 5 weeks by the time G-day rolls around.

After the next OB appt, I calculate that I will have one more non-ultrasound appt and then will be on a "regular" ultrasound appt, which Dr. D said would start at 24 weeks. Only 59 more days. I think I have felt some fluttering of the baby, but gosh, at this point it has been hard to tell. I read that baby should be able to make a fist by the end of this week. I know I'll regret it later, but I'm hoping the baby works up to some good punches soon. I want to feel my little guy/girl moving around!

G-Day....

2010-02-08T14:48:00.000-08:00

All my genetic testing (CF, Fragile X and some muscular atrophy disorder) came back normal. Yay! While I wasn't particularly concerned about any of them, it is nice to know they are normal.

AND.....

18 days to G-day! While my husband, G_ _ _ _ thought G-day referred to him, he was, well, incorrect. G-day refers to what I have termed "Gender Day"... 18 days and we will know if we are painting (well, G is painting) pink or blue.... Not that I am counting or anything. :-)

The new OB said that we could schedule a gender check between 18 and 20 weeks and I will discuss the scheduling with her at my appt. on Thursday. However, there is a "non-medical" ultrasound place near us that will schedule gender checks at 17 weeks, so at 17 weeks, 1 day, we will attempt to find out the gender. I'm hoping we will get a definitive answer, but I'll have the dr's ultrasound for backup somewhere in the two weeks that follow.

As for preference, I suppose if I were being honest, I prefer a girl. Girly clothes are just cuter than boy clothes and yes, I already have some cute girly things in my Gymboree shopping cart. So cute! But I already have lots of boy clothes left over from my 6 year old son. (Well, at least clothes for 6 months forward. Since my son traveled home from Korea at 7 months of age, I don't have the itty-bitty stuff.)

My son really, really wants a brother. G hasn't voiced a preference, but he says he thinks the baby is a girl. My mother-in-law wants a boy. My parents haven't expressed a preference. My brother thinks the baby is a girl. One of my friends says boy. The old OB says he's guessing girl, but he wasn't looking at an ultrasound or anything, just being silly.

As for my instinct on gender- no clue. Absolutely no idea. I will honestly be happy and surprised either way. I just want a take-home-healthy-baby. :-) 18 days and counting! I can't wait!

Oh, and only 66 days until regular ultrasounds... I'm feeling this is do-able now. I hope my optimism continues.

Still here... and struggling less...

2010-02-05T09:19:00.000-08:00

14 weeks today! I'm still here and happily, struggling less with fear and anxiety. The doppler and I are getting along splendidly, and it generally only takes about 30 seconds to find that little chug, chug of the baby's heart. I admit, I have been checking every day though, although I have read that there is some controversy over the safety of doppler usage on a regular basis. I am telling myself that my 30 second doppler usage each day cannot amount to more than a weekly ultrasound... I fully expect to rely on the doppler less once I can feel the baby move, but from conservative reports for a first pregancy, I might still be 5 to 6 weeks away from feeling movement.

The initial bloodwork screening for Down's syndrome and Trisomy 18 (the first part of the "sequential screen") came back normal. I have read that the second part of the sequential screen (the quad screen) can yield less accurate results. I am thinking, therefore, about skipping the second part of the test and just being happy with my 80% all clear on Trisomy 18 and 87% all clear on Down's Syndrone results.

I had my last appt with the "old" OB, Dr. H, this week. Recall that I am switching, in part, because I represented the ex-spouse of one of the doctors in his practice, a doctor that might deliver my baby depending on call schedules. The first thing Dr. H said to me at my appointment was "Still pregnant?" Perhaps he meant this to be funny, but I found it to be in poor taste. I'm not sure that's an appropriate question for any pregnant woman, least of all an infertile who he did fertility treatments on more than a decade ago! I mean, really?

He was very reassuring, however, concerning the fibroids. After the scare talk from the peri the week before, he tells me that in his 27 years of practice, the worst complication he has seen from a fibroid has been the necessity for a c-section. While I prefer not to have a c-section, if that's the worst outcome, I can deal with it...

Otherwise, my next appt with the new OB is February 11. I'm hoping she will schedule the gender ultrasound at that appointment for around week 18. Otherwise, I expect the appt to be a non-event, with a little piddling in a cup and listening to the heartbeat and that sort of thing.

Still counting down the days to the regular ultrasounds, which will begin at 24 weeks. 10 weeks to go. 70 days. I'm telling myself I can make it. I'm relying on the doppler, the gender ultrasound and hopefully feeling some quickening to get me through.

Little better today....

2010-01-28T08:26:00.000-08:00

So, the doppler and I got along a little better last night. I found the baby's heartbeat fairly easily at 154 and I even could hear it this time! Previously, I got a reading on the digital monitor, but really couldn't hear anything distinctive. Nice reassurance that if the doppler and I get along, I can make it through the next few weeks. I believe the peri did state that the placenta is in front so that could be some of the difficulty I've experienced, but I've read that at 14 weeks (a week away), 95% of women can hear the heartbeat so hopefully the trend will continue.

Thanks for the support and comments :-)

Struggling....

2010-01-27T14:51:00.000-08:00

Ugh. I am struggling. I'll be 13 weeks on Friday but I can't get past the fear that something is going to go wrong. The doppler is not my friend now. For a few days, I found the hb with little trouble and the reading was in the expected range (150-160). Now, I'm lucky if I can get anything and it is generally in the 120's. I'm not sure what to make of that when I had an ultrasound the day before an the hb was 160.

I went to the new OB last Thursday and I really liked her. BUT she didn't do an ultrasound, doppler or internal exam (not that I'm complaining!) said that she won't do any ultrasounds from now until 24 weeks except for a gender check at 18-20 weeks. My brain left the appointment trying to process getting through the next THREE months without having positive proof that the baby is still alive and growing as it should be. I recognize that this may be the standard of care for most pregnant women.... but I just don't like it! The OB said that this is because if there is something wrong prior to 24 weeks there simply isn't much that can be done. She did say that once I hit 24 weeks (which is 78 days away.... yes, I am counting. Can you tell how anxious and miserable I am?), she will do monthly and likely bi-weekly ultrasounds to measure baby's growth because of my blood pressure. She was reassuring in that she doesn't consider my pregnancy "high risk" simply because I'm ancient and because I have high blood pressure. That was reassuring. She didn't seem to think much of the peri practice that the "old" OB referred me to. She indicated I didn't really need to see a peri, but if I wanted to, she would get me into a different practice. So, I left the visit feeling good, optimistic and convincing myself that some how I could get through three months with one ultrasound.... and prepared to cancel the peri appt scheduled for a few days later.

Unfortunately, in a week's time my resolve has weakened and I just am not sure how no ultraounds is going to work for me emotionally. I can go to a local "elective" sonogram place for some reassurance. They do measure the baby's heartbeat, but no opinion as to health of the baby or measurement of growth.

I was all prepared to cancel the peri appt after seeing the new OB. But, my son (adopted from Korea in 2004. See blog entry no. 1) got sick last Friday and I totally forgot to call and cancel Monday's appt. So I went on Monday to the peri appt. The thought of getting an ultrasound was just too big a temptation. The appt itself was a downright BEATING. I was there for over 3 hours starting at 11:30 am and didn't bring a snack. I was feeling very sick when I left from not eating. The genetic counseling session was a joke. I felt insulted when the counselor asked me if I knew what DNA and chromosomes are. Ummmm. No. I'm clueless. Grrrr. Frankly, that part of the appt was really useless.

The ultrasound was the only good part of the visit. The baby is measuring right on target with growth and the peri was "pleased with the way the baby looked." The sonographer measured the nuchal translucency and it was less than 2 mm, which is supposed to be a good sign for the baby not having Down's. When I asked the peri if the NT results indicated that I had a lower risk for Down's, her response: Well, many doctors would tell you at your age, the only way to show a lowered risk is an amnio...." blah, blah, blah. Finally, she reluctantly said, "yes, your risk is reduced."

Did I mention I waited for an hour after the ultrasound for the doctor to come back from lunch? An hour. Insane. An hour with u/s gunk on my stomach and my pants unbuttoned. An hour. And the nurse was surprised my blood pressure was elevated at the end of the visit.

I didn't really like the peri. She didn't throw off warm fuzzies. She made a big deal of the fact that I have two fibroids and indicated that those could cause a miscarriage or fuse to the placenta and cause problems. From what I have read, that is relatively rare, and I really didn't need anything else to worry about. So now, I'm dreadfully worried about the fibroids. She told me that they tend to grow during pregnancy and at the next visit I might have 20! Ugh. I read some Dr. Google information that said that recent studies have disproven the premise that fibroids grow significantly during pregnancy. My RE was aware of the fibroids and didn't believe, based on their location, that they would interfere with pg and opted not to surgically remove them when I had my polypectomy. I am almost amused that two different doctors could have such a different opinion on the potential problems to be caused by the fibroids. If the outcome of accuracy of their opinions weren't so important, I would be truly amused, but as it is, I am just confused. The new OB commented on the fibroids and she didn't seem too concerned.

All in all, I don't know why I can't get past the anxiety to a happy, pregnancy place. I just can't get there. I keep trying but the fear of something going wrong keeps me restrained from letting myself reveal in the joy of the pregnancy. I certainly don't mean to sound ungrateful. I am not. I just am struggling. If anyone can spare some prayers for my mental state or suggestions on how better to cope, please share.

Humor me....

2010-01-13T09:30:00.001-08:00

Today I am 10w5d. My last u/s was 9w4d. I don't expect I will have another u/s until 12w3d. While I'm not going crazy (yet....), I have gotten very comfortable with weekly ultrasounds to peek at baby to make sure everything is alright. I've found it difficult to step away from that feeling that the infertility shoe of doom is going to fall at any minute (yes, I know that this is not entirely rational at this point and that statistically, the odds are in my favor. Rationality does not not seem to matter to my infertile brain though).

So, I got a doppler. I know it is early for a doppler, but I was hopeful that it would provide some reassurance going forward. The first few days I could only get a reading that was in the 70's, which had to be me. Today I got a 164, but it only stayed on the digital monitor for 2 seconds literally and then I couldn't get a reading again. I can't hear anything recognizable as a gallop as I understand the heartbeat should sound like. So, humor me and tell me that any reading in the 160s in that region of the body has got to be the baby's heartbeat... Right?

Trouble with the OB's office....

2010-01-11T08:49:00.000-08:00

When I was at the OB's office last Tuesday, the OB referred me for a peri consult. He said his nurse would make the appt. I asked when I checked out, yep, the nurse will make the appt and call you. I've heard nothing. I called the OB's office Friday morning (I mean 48 hours is enough time to make me an appt, right?). The receptionist: "Dr. H referred you to a what?" Me: (rolling eyes) "a perninatologist". (I can't be the first person from the practice referred. Geez.....) Receptionist: Clicking around in the computer.... "I'll have his nurse call you". No call. This does not make me happy..... The fact that the office doesn't seem to run very efficiently doesn't make me happy. The fact that almost a week later and no progress has been made on a peri appt doesn't make me happy. The fact that my call was not returned does not make me happy. While I consider the referral to the peri important, what if my call were absolutely critical??

So, I decided to switch OBs. My friend recommended one she likes. I've got an appt on January 21. If by some miracle, the current OB's office manages to get a peri appt set up (I have my doubts that will happen...), I will certainly go, but I'm still switching. I want to be comfortable with the practice and I'm not so much.

The other motivating factor is that as an attorney, I represented an interest adverse to one of the other doctors in the practice a couple of years back. I didn't realize he was a member of the practice until I was reviewing the members of the practice thinking "that could be who delivered my baby..." I'm a little uncomfortable mixing professional with personal, too.

9w4d and first OB Appt

2010-01-06T08:47:00.000-08:00

First OB appointment yesterday. It was fairly uneventful, but I was a little nervous about it. The OB hadn't scheduled an ultrasound (which is with another office down the hall) but he asked me if it had been a few weeks since my last ultrasound... Me: Ummmmhummmm (8 days sounds like a couple of weeks, right???) So, after the internal exam and blood work, I am on my way down the hall to get my first abdominal ultrasound. The picture wasn't nearly as clear as the transvaginal ones, but it was nice not to be "invaded". The baby is measuring right on time at 2.81 cm and the heartrate was 166. The sonographer was super nice and when I told her this had been a LONG journey she said "I hope I get to do all your ultrasounds". That was nice! But... I don't think it is going to happen. The OB is referring me to a perinatologist because of my age and the fact that I take blood pressure medicine for high blood pressure (genetic). That's ok. Another doctor monitoring the pregnancy can't hurt. My first peri appt is supposed to be in the next two weeks and then I'm back to the OB in a month. I have to say it is strange to go from the RE where the pregnancy was a miraculous event to the OB, where pregnancies are a dime a dozen....

Otherwise, the queasiness seems less frequent and I'm starting to feel not as tired, which is good, but the symptoms were reassuring nonetheless. I'm telling myself it is ok to start feeling more normal at 10 weeks. Right??

On a sad note, one of our cats died suddenly yesterday. It looks like a stroke or a heart attack. He was 14 and was a "bad" kitty but we loved him. My 23 year old brother, who lives with us while attending college, loved that cat soooo much. G and I are really sad we lost the cat, but my brother's grief is much more intense. He's taking care of burying him today. :-(

8w3d and all is well....

2009-12-29T07:55:00.000-08:00

Final appointment with my RE yesterday at 8w3d. I've been released to the OB. Scary! RE said everything couldn't look more perfect. I'm hoping that situation stays the same. I'm happy to report that it seems (knock on wood...) that the spotting has ceased. Baby is 19.87 mm, measuring one day ahead at 8w4d and heartbeat was 176 bpm.

Counting down the days to complete the first 12 weeks. 30 days to go. Seems like an eternity! I suspect that I will have one u/s with the OB during that period of time. I plan on ordering a doppler so that I can hopefully hear the baby's heartbeat soon to reassure me all is well.

Of course, I am thrilled to be pregnant, but the fear of miscarrying has overshadowed the joy I should be feeling. I'm trying to move past the fear and I'm trying to take a lesson from Sprogblogger, who I admire immensely. Despite the substantial adversity she has faced, she has overcome the fear and will revel in her soon-to-be-successful donor cycle. (In fact, she's PUPO as of today, so offer her your congratulations, please).

Revel. Not cope. Not survive. Not exist day by day until the magical 12 week mark. Instead, revel. If Sprogblogger can revel, so can I. I have an appointment today with the counselor I saw when I went through my divorce. I'm hoping she can help me get past some of the fear to the reveling as well.

Well, as it turns out....

2009-12-18T11:34:00.000-08:00

I couldn't wait two weeks to see the baby again... I started spotting red this morning. I spotted red last week but the spotting stopped over the weekend and started back up today. I called the RE's office almost in tears. They worked me in and the head IVF nurse did my ultrasound. As it turns out, I like it better when she does the u/s than my RE. She was awesome and zoomed in on everything. The little heart is still fluttering away at 136 bpm and baby bean has grown since my last u/s only 48 hours before from 5.87 mm to 9.83 mm, so today I measured exactly 7 weeks, which is where I am gestationally. I also got to hear the heartbeat. My RE turned on the sound on Wed. but we didn't get to hear anything. The little beat-beat brought tears to my eyes today.

I told the IVF nurse I would try to be good until my next real appointment on Dec. 30. Hopefully, my body will cooperate! Nothing like seeing that little flutter for some reassurance though...

No idea what is causing the bleeding, but told me to try not to worry about it and that everything looks perfect. Whew.....

Ultrasound #2

2009-12-16T08:48:00.000-08:00

We have a heartbeat! Yay! RE said it was too soon to try to measure the beats but that the heartbeat looked nice and strong. I am 6w5d today, but only measured 6w3d. That concerns me a little (ok, a lot!). Two weeks for next ultrasound. Two weeks! How in the heck am I going to make it two weeks???? Essentially, at 5w5d, the fetal pole measured 2.07mm. Today the fetal pole measured 5.87. If the growth is 1 mm a day, the fetal pole should have been 8 mm, thus, I'm 2 mm behind. Argh.

Spotting has subsided for the most part. RE said I could switch to Prometrium if I wanted, but I think I'm going to keep up the shots until the next u/s.

Checked my TSH today to see if we need to increase my dosage of Synthroid for my hypothyroidism.

I'm thrilled we saw the heartbeat, but concerned at the same time. KWIM?

Still spotting.....

2009-12-11T07:12:00.000-08:00

Urgh! I'm still spotting. Not a lot, but still I WISH. IT. WOULD. STOP!!!!

6 weeks today. Wednesday can't come soon enough for sonogram no. 2 to make sure everything is ok. I'm seriously trying not to stress, but it is hard when everything I go to the bathroom, there's pink on the tp.

U/S Picture 5w5d

2009-12-10T07:33:00.001-08:00

I know its doesn't look impressive, but here's yesterday's ultrasound picture. I can't express how reassuring the ultrasound was. The fetal pole is the little blob between the two colored markers. Yay for a little blob. :-) It makes me happy!

Ultrasound #1

2009-12-09T13:54:00.000-08:00

Despite my dr's crazy policy on the timing of beta test no. 2, I really do love him. I talked to the nurse and saw the dr. this afternoon. He looked with the speculum and saw no blood, so that made me feel better.

He also did an ultrasound. We have a yolk sac and a baby with fetal pole with a crown-to-rump length (CRL) of 2.07 mm. He seemed confident that we will see the heartbeat at my next u/s appt, which is next Wed. I read that generally the heartbeat is detectable when the CRL is 5 mm, so we are 3 mm away from there. He said I could make the u/s appointment for Monday if I wanted to.... I'm assuming that means we should have the needed growth by then, but I opted to give 2 more days...

He said not to worry about the spotting (and it really hasn't been too much, but enough to throw me into orbit). His wife spotted during her pg so he understands the worry. He said I could come in again for reassurance. I told him to be careful, I might be there a tad more frequently than he would like.... And no additional beta on Friday. He says my last number was good enough he's not worried. I guess I have to rely on his expertise in that.

So, I think this is all good news. Thanks for your encouragement and support. :-)

Cramps...

2009-12-09T06:53:00.000-08:00

What kind of cramps are normal? Last night, I had 4-5 hours of mild to moderate cramps, although they never quite reached AF intensity. This followed the light pink tp, which was minimal, but still scares me. Not as tired today and the girls really aren't sore anymore. Ugh. Two more days until the next beta. I seriously don't know if I can make it!

I thought about calling my regular gyn to see if he would get me in to check things out. I think my RE's office would just ask me to wait until Friday.

Update: Damn. Red. Calling dr.

Scared..

2009-12-08T14:29:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I admit, it I am almost paralyzed with fear.... What if something goes wrong? I thought I saw a spot of pinkish discharge on the tp today. I feel crazy with worry. I simply don't know if I have it in me to go through this again if the worst happens. I know the odds are in my favor. 75% of baby sticking... 25% of, well, not. But, it seems that the fear is consumming me. How do I get past that?

Seriously, I don't want to let G down, but I don't know if I can go through this stress again. I think I might just want to opt for adoption again. That's not to say that adoption isn't stressful in itself. It is and it is invasive and makes you feel like you are under a microscope and being judged all the time.

Blah! Maybe I'll feel better after next week's ultrasound? But then I think, how will I get through Christmas if the worst happens before then? Pretty much, once again... I'm a mess.

Crazy tiredness and a little nausea...

2009-12-08T09:29:00.000-08:00

I was a little more tired that usual last week but ooohhhh my! The tiredness really hit me yesterday like a ton of bricks. I simply couldn't function. I left work early and went home for a nap from 6 pm to 7:30 or so and was back in bed by 9 pm. Tired today too after sleeping an additional full 8 hours. That means I slept 9.5 hours yesterday. Craziness....

I'm not sure how Christmas gifts are going to be purchased and wrapped this year, but I guess I don't care too much. I did some online shopping but some of the gifts have to be purchased in the store. I guess I'll send G with a list. That should be interesting! Thank goodness for gift bags. I generally wrap each present and decorate the package. Ummmmm.... Not so much this year. One gift bag per person with all the presents in the bag and tissue stuffed on the top. That's my plan. :-)

I have discovered that G will eventually do the household chores that I have not been getting done because of taking it easy. It might take him three days to wipe off the stovetop after he cooked, but he will eventually clean it up....

Little queasiness mid-morning for the past couple of days but nothing too bad yet.

Three more sleeps until beta no. 4.

Beta #3 Results

2009-12-04T14:09:00.000-08:00

So, I calculated that the beta needed to be 800ish today to have doubled in 48ish hours. It is 1820! I can't believe it. It went from 209 to 1820 from Monday to today, doubling time of 30ish hours.

Beta #4 is scheduled for next Friday and then they will schedule the ultrasound. Wow, this is really happening!

3rd Beta drawn....

2009-12-04T07:23:00.001-08:00

Now just the wait! Ugh!!! I hope to hear by 3:00 pm this afternoon. Prayers, positive thoughts and crossed fingers, please.

Whew!

2009-12-01T10:00:00.000-08:00

It looks like I am indeed pregnant. I really can't believe it and I am very thankful!

My very sweet GP called me with yesterday's beta results. Before he gave me the results, he quizzed me on when the last time I had an hcg injection was so as to make sure the beta wasn't showing a false positive.

Last Friday's beta at 11dp3dt was 68 and yesterday's number at 14dp3dt or 17 dpo was 209!!!! So the doubling time is about 45 hours or so. Yeah!

Now I feel like I can breathe a little. Next beta is Friday at the RE's office.

Again, thanks for everyone's support. It means more than I could ever express in words...

Urgh!

2009-11-30T11:03:00.001-08:00

So, when the Re's office called with beta no.1 on Friday, the nurse said recheck on Monday, which would have been 72 hours... Shortly later, she called back and said recheck on Friday instead, one week after beta no. 1. What? Is my Re crazy? Does he not realize that there's no way I can wait until FRIDAY to know if the pregnancy is progressing as it should?!?!?

So, I called my gp's office this morning to see if I could come in for a beta. Yes, I can come in. I get there and have a very bizarre conversation with the lab tech drawing my blood because no where on her paper does it say to check hcg. Instead, my thryoid, cholesterol, lipids, etc. are being checked. What? I tell the girl at the desk and supposedly the hcg is added to the draw. I get the results tomorrow.

I'm stressed waiting and irritated that my RE doesn't do the repeat beta at 48 hours. I'm sure he has a reason but whatever it is, I don't like it! :-)

On a happier note, the pee sticks are getting darker and no more bleeding. I've read that statistically, I have a 25% of miscarrying. I'm trying to focus on the 75% chance of success!

Thanks for everyone's support.

Beta...

2009-11-27T13:16:00.000-08:00

Beta today at 11dp3dt or 14 dpo was 68. I only got the positive hpt on Wednesday evening and it was faint, faint, faint on a FRER sensitive to 25, so I think the number would be consistent with a doubling in about 48 hours. Monday is second beta. Please cross fingers. I had a spotting incident yesterday morning that really scared me, but since nothing. The line of the FRER today was darker than on Thursday morning so that makes me feel better. (Yes, the hpt manufacturers love me. I think I have peed on 15 sticks so far!) ACK!

When I was in for my beta, saw my RE (who is awesome) and told him I cheated on the hpt. He gave me a hug and said "I'm not worried about the bleeding and I don't want you to be worried either." I'm trying to think positively, but recognize this could have a poor outcome.

I checked the Betabase and it looks like 388 women had betas in that range at 14dpo and 235 had betas lower. Of course, many had higher betas.

I sorta feel in limbo land with the bleeding and the kinda low beta. Kinda scared and afraid to let myself feel happy yet.

Monday will be the big test!

Ummmmm......

2009-11-25T07:20:00.000-08:00

Today is 9dp3dt. No spotting since yesterday around 1 pm or so. No cramps either.

I am in shock. I first started trying to get pregnant in 1998. I've never, ever gotten two lines on a hpt. 11 years of stark white negatives!

I got a BFP on a FRER last night but really faint. I tested again this morning with a FRER and again faint. I stopped at Walmart on the way to work and got a "pregnant" on a clearblue digital and a nice, definite positive on a EPT.

I know it is early. I know what CAN happen, but for now, I'm cautiously optimistic.

Beta is on Friday....

TMI

2009-11-24T12:11:00.000-08:00

I'm about to share TMI, not for the faint of heart.... At 8dp3dt, I've got light pink on the toilet paper this afternoon. Too late for implantation bleeding, no? Can you have break through bleeding on daily PIO injections? For some reason, I thought that was unlikely. Gah!

POAS

2009-11-23T09:16:00.000-08:00

and at 10dpo/7dp3dt, BFN.

I know it could be early, but I suspect not. *sigh* Am resigning myself for the bad news. Grrr.

691,200...

2009-11-19T14:00:00.000-08:00

Nope... that number is not how much money G and I have in the bank. Not even close. If it were, I wouldn't be stressed about how we will pay for IVF #2 if IVF #1 fails. It is the number of seconds until I expect results from my beta test on "Black Friday".

Really, "Black Friday"? I know it is a day of good shopping deals and all for those crazy, umm... I mean, brave people (including G, even after my haranging for the foolishness of it all) willing to stand elbow to elbow with their fellow man at 5 o'clock in the morning in bone chilling temperatures in hopes of having a chance for 1 of the 5 big screen tvs the big discount store down the street is selling for $200. But, I ask, is Black Friday really an auspicious day for a beta result?

I think not. Instead, it seems to denote despair and negativity. I mean, just how good can the results on a "Black Friday" be? And why is it called BF anyway? Is this when retailers hope to finally pull out of the red for the year? That doesn't encourage me either. I don't want any red associated with beta day. That denotes the impending arrival of AF, who we hope stays away for a nice, long time. The association with red also nixes Valentine's Day and Christmas.

I need a day that conjures up visions of happiness and joy. May Day perhaps. That's a nice and cheerful day or Easter, with its newness, or Earth Day, where everything is green, fertile and harmonous. Instead, even the calendar mocks me and my efforts to conceive. What do I get? Black Friday. I can just hear the calendar's taunting refrain now. 690,586...

My Date with the Michelin Man

2009-11-17T10:20:00.000-08:00

The Michelin man... you know who I'm talking about. That round, white character that advertises tires? I met him (well, sort of...) yesterday during ET. You see, G, has this round Buddha belly. Once having donned the sterile outfit, all white from head to toe required for attending the transfer, he transformed into the Michelin man. My beloved dh converted into the goofy looking Michelin man. I will never see the tire mascot again without thinking of ET day.

ET went without a hitch. We transferred two 8 celled "good looking" embryos according to the embryologist and RE. I purposefully didn't inquire about the grading as I knew I would obsess too much. It looks as if one of the embies was starting to compact, which is good. As most say, the full bladder was the worst thing about ET. My RE's office said to drink 32 oz and hour before transfer. I knew I couldn't hold that much. I stopped at about 20 oz, but even that was uncomfortable!

After the ET, before the speculum came out, the embryologist flushed the catheter to make sure both embies had arrived to their destination. Nice reassurance that both had. Now if one just decides to stick!

The embryologist will continue to watch embies 3 and 4. Yesterday they were at four cell. He said there still could be hope that they will continue to grow and perhaps make a blast.

PIO shot no. 3 without too much discomfort. 10 more of those if there's no BFP. About 40 if I am. One step at a time! I start the Vivirelle estrogen patches on Friday.

3 Day report

2009-11-16T10:55:00.000-08:00

The embryologist called this morning, nice and early. I didn't know if he would call since we are scheduled for transfer today, but he did and....

We have two "nice" 8 cell embies. The other two seemed to stop dividing at 4 cell. I didn't realistically think we would have anything to freeze, so two is all we need.

*sigh* I'm just grateful to have gotten to this point. I'll feel less anxious (I hope!) when they are back in me!

Just three hours to transfer....

Curly headed Indians...

2009-11-15T13:26:00.000-08:00

So we are set (hopefully... so long as the embies did well from yesterday morning to tomorrow afternoon) for a 3 day transfer tomorrow afternoon at 4:00 pm. I keep thinking about my little embies, almost (hopefully!) willing them to grow. A funny observation: I have tried to keep myself as detached as possible. I have not thought about what those embies might look like if they became a child. My IRL friend (who is pregnant with twins on her third IVF attempt) reminded me that the embies are curly headed Indians. You see, my dh is of Indian descent by means of the Carribbean island of Trinidad, and I am cursed with curly hair. I was sort of shocked with the realization that I have curly headed Indians embies, even in a manner of speaking. I had not even allowed myself to think of anything of the sort other than cells in a dish.

I thought about the ultimate outcome of the baby, what it might look like, etc. in the past, during the first infertility battle in my late 20s. Having gone through this battle second time, I find myself much more focused on the immediate goal at hand (i.e. no cysts so can start bcps, no cysts so can start stims, making it to ER, making it to ET, etc.) than the end result of the birth of a child. I see the past filed with naivety relating to my ability to conceive and birth a child. Yes, that it the ultimate end goal, but it seems a million miles away now.

Perhaps my my lack of attention to the embies as anything other than cells is because I have (at least cognitively) learned that life doesn't always work out "fairly" and the 2 car garage with 2.3 kids and the dog isn't how everyone's life matures matter how courageously one fights r how loud one wails. Indeed, there is no fairness in who ultimately becomes a parent or how. I am reminded of this constantly and I still struggle with this sometimes, at least emotionally, if not cognitively.

After the curly headed Indian reminder, I am back on track focusing on the embies making it to transfer tomorrow afternoon. Detached seems easier than engaged. I can only imagine what that says about me as a person. Thank you, IF.

On a side note, last night was the first PIO injection and dh performed like a champ. I numbed the target area with the Emla cream prescribed by my RE an hour before the injection and the injection was slightly uncomfortable but by no means unbearable and was much less worse than I had anticipated. I am hoping that this was not just beginner's luck! So now I have a nightly date with Emla cream at 8 pm, followed by my PIO date at 9 pm. At least for the next 14 days and hopefully longer.

My beta will be the day after Thanksgiving if the RE's office is open, which I suspect it will be. I can't think that a beta result on "Black Friday" can denote anything positive! But, what can a girl expect following a retrieval performed on Friday the 13th?

My fortune cookie for the Chinese food we ate on the day of retrieval said "An unexpected relationship will become permanent". I'm hoping the fortune cookie wins.

Fertilization report...

2009-11-14T06:46:00.000-08:00

6 eggs retrieved; 5 were mature. Of those 5, 4 fertilized. The embryologist said at that 3 of the 4 look good and healthy. The pronuclei in the 4th looks a little faint, so he has that embie separated so he can watch it, but it may be fine. Time will tell.

3 day transfer on Monday at 4 pm with AH due to my age (assuming we still have something to transfer by that time....) Please send strong, growing embie thoughts this weekend. At this point, I'm pretty much an emotional mess.

Only 6....

2009-11-13T13:13:00.000-08:00

Retrieved only 6 :( The embryologist said he would call around 8 am tomorrow with the fertilization report. I guess as long as 4 fertilize, we will have something to work with.... I just wish we had more to work with. I can't imagine that we will be headed for anything but a 3 day transfer, which will be Monday afternoon. As luck would have it, I have a huge contested hearing which will last most of Monday, but my RE is cool and said he's happy to do the transfer at 5 pm if that's the earliest I can be available.

My RE is also a little crazy. This morning before the surgery, he was sporting a fake mustache, crooked. He's such a goof but I appreciate the effort to lighten the mood a bunch. :-)

Retrieval tomorrow at 9:15 am

2009-11-12T06:41:00.000-08:00

Triggered last night at 9:15 pm. The glass syringe for the Ovidrel was a little weird compared to the plastic ones I am used to. Retrieval is at 9:15 am tomorrow morning. Crazy day at work today, so I'll be distracted. I have to say I don't have a good feeling about tomorrow. I don't think we are going to retrieve many eggs. I'm trying to prepare myself mentally for that outcome, but I know if only a couple are retrieved, I will feel extremely disappointed.

We had planned to do three more cycles under a shared risk program if this cycle doesn't take, but I don't know.... I stand amazed at you very strong women who go through this process multiple times with varying outcomes of success. I admire your courage.

Trigger tonight...

2009-11-11T07:50:00.001-08:00

Trigger tonight for Friday morning retrieval. Looks like there are 8 large follicles and at least one smaller one which may come to the party. Work is kicking my butt, so I'm staying fairly distracted which is good. :-)

I've been doing ok, but now... I'm....

2009-11-09T12:33:00.000-08:00

SCARED. Scared of all the what if's. What if we don't get multiple eggs? What if the eggs are all duds? What if none/few fertilize? What if we have nothing to transfer? Ugh.

I'm officially stressing. No one around me gets it. I know you guys understand. I could use a hug.

Second u/s

2009-11-09T07:54:00.000-08:00

Today was the second u/s. Nine follies growing as they should. Nothing exciting to report, except may not have to go for more bloodwork or u/s tomorrow. If everything looks ok, I'll go back Wed. morning for final check and trigger Wed. night for a Friday retrieval.

Second E2 check and a surprise ultrasound

2009-11-07T07:55:00.001-08:00

Today was my second E2 check but I was told my first u/s would be Monday. I was surprised when the nurse said Dr. K was going to do an u/s too (and, of course, I skipped shaving the legs this morning. Grrr.). Normally, I'm not too crazy about meeting the wand, but I wanted to know what's going on in there after 4 days of stims.

So, it looks like there are nine follies ranging from 12-14. Based on my age of 39, I'm pleased with that and Dr. K was pleased. We are ICSI bound, so if all 9 are retrieved, statistically we would have 6-7 fertilize. I would love more to work with, but I'm not 25 or even 35, so I think we are in an ok place for now.

Dr. K expects that I will stim for 9 days, which would be to Wed., with retrieval tenatively on Friday. My E2 from the last check was 245. Dr. K says he likes to see between 100-300. He said I was "textbook". Dh said "Ah man, you weren't even a mystery paperback?" In this context, I'll embrace "textbook".

First E2 Stimming Update

2009-11-05T13:59:00.000-08:00

I went for my morning stick before work . I've ditched the coffee and even more sacrificially, Diet Coke, (I miss you, my friend), since stimming started. The only thing that will get me going now is the vicious stab of the phlebotomist, her cruel tool into my arm for a blood draw at the RE's office. (Actually, she's usually a gentle stick, but she must have skipped her coffee, because she was a little on the rough side today. Ouchie!)

Eight + hours later and the results are in (not that I was counting or anything....). After 2.5 days of stimming, E2 is "perfect" according to the nurse. I was too chicken to ask the level afraid I would obsess too much over it as I understand E2 levels can vary wildly. So on the same dose we stay: 75 iu of Menopur and 375 of Follistim (which means 2 Follistim injections tonight since I don't want to waste any of that liquid gold at its expensive cost!) Next E2 check Saturday morning and first post-stimming u/s Monday morning.

So, I guess all is well or I'm too ignorant to know otherwise. This afternoon I have started to have twinges in my ovaries, at least the area that I perceive to be my ovaries, which is where I generally have twinges around ovulation time. I'm embracing the twinges as a signal that something is happening. For now, it is all I've got to go on!

To go or not to go....

2009-11-04T07:51:00.000-08:00

The first injection with the Follistim pen was last night and my blogging buddy, PJ, was right. I love the pen! Much better than mixing the Menopur. Tomorrow is my first E2 check. Hoping everything is right on target. I'm on 375 IU of Menopur presently, which I am assuming is attributable to my advanced age. (Yes, I AM old!) I keep telling myself that genetics must be in my favor. My mom had a natural pg at 42 and gave birth to my brother at 43, so surely I can do this!

My RE is having an IVF seminar tonight, which is optional. I can't decide whether I want to go or not. I'm afraid it might make me more anxious and am leaning toward skipping it.

Acupuncture last night. Very relaxing. She used the wonderful mineral heat lamp thingy and electrically stimulated the needles in my abdomen. Who knows if it will help, but I guess it can't hurt anything but my wallet.

The Cheesecake Report

2009-11-03T07:05:00.000-08:00

I was feeling pretty bummed yesterday, sort of inexplicably blue. So, I managed to sneak away from the office for a lil trip to Central Market, this fancy, dancy store with all kinds of indulgent and yummy treats. One piece of pumpkin cheesecake with gingersnap crust later, I felt better, if not somewhat guilty. I'll beat myself up over it later but at least I made it through the day.

I have been having IVF dreams. I'm sure it is because thinking about the IVF has been occupying so much of my awake thoughts. So in my dream last night, I was trying to figure out the steps I was supposed to take to administer the medicine and I just couldn't do it. There was some brown goo I had to do something with and I just couldn't get it right. Figures! Actually, Menopur injection no. 1 went ok this morning and Follistim pen injection no. 1 is tonight so hopefully that will go well too. I watched the video on the pen again yesterday. I'm sure if we are on to IVF #2, I'll be an old pro at this...

My RE gives my odds of success at 40%. G thinks those are GREAT odds. To me, not so much. 6 out of 10 women are going to walk away broken-hearted. My IRL friend, who has twins with her partner from their first IUI with donor sperm, is trying to be supportive. "Think positively" she says. I guess it is hard to even dream that after more than 10 years of IF, I might actually have a chance at pregnancy... Trying not to think about the possibilities and just take one step at a time.

Stims start tomorrow....

2009-11-02T11:14:00.000-08:00

So, stims start tomorrow and then to the RE for bloodwork to check E2 levels on Thursday and Saturday. I thought I would be excited. Instead, I'm just feeling afraid of failing and pretty emotional. Ugh. I hate feeling emotional. It is just there are so many things that could go wrong from here. (YES, I'm a glass-half-empty-kind-of-gal, esp. where the IF stuff goes).

I thought that I would have an ultrasound so we could see the number of follies developing on Thursday and again on Saturday. I swear that's what my schedule from the RE said, but I found out today no ultrasound until Monday, Nov. 9. I know the E2 levels increasing will show progress, but I was hoping for something more tangible. Kinda bummed about that.

I think I need cheesecake to make me feel all better.

Skipping forward...

2009-10-30T13:55:00.000-07:00

Well, things are moving along so I'm skipping the history stuff and updating the present. IVF #1 attempt underway. Supression check today. RE's nurse said ovaries and ute looked good. AF arrived this morning. I'm just wanting on the call from the RE's office for the green light for stims to start on Tuesday. Ring phone, ring.

Lol! It worked! Phone just rang. Levels are good. Decrease to 5 units of Lupron and starting stims on Tuesday.

Trying to keep my emotions level. Here we go!

The Good Doctor

2009-10-28T13:31:00.000-07:00

The RE of my prior life was ok, I guess, but I hardly ever saw the RE, and only dealt with the nurses. Not ideal in my mind and let’s just say his nurses weren’t the most sensitive. I mean, is it really appropriate to tell an IF patient to her face that if the procedure doesn’t work, “you can always get a dog”? (I have dogs. I love dogs but clearly, there’s no comparison with a child). Yes, in the prior life, I tolerated bad behavior and I’m ashamed I did. How many other women suffering from IF did the insensitive b$#@) say the same thing to? Needless to say, the prior RE and his staff weren’t on the list of the top 3 choices for the new RE and the dog nurse is lucky she’s not saying that to my face today because I’m not so tolerant of bad behavior in my old age. Behavior like that would have a consequence and not a pleasant one. My profession as an advocate for others has taught me to advocate for myself as well. She would not have escaped unscathed.
This time around, I landed with an RE who successfully treated a friend. Let’s call him Dr. L. Dr. L was a delightful man. Really, he was. He was a little hard to communicate with because of language differences, but generally I liked him and had confidence in his abilities as an RE. He recommends a Clomid challenge test and a new HSG (yippee!) as well as testing for dh. We start this process in February 2009. I passed the Clomid challenge test with an FSH of 5.3 and G’s boys look pretty good, so things are looking a bit more encouraging than in the past. March 2009 is the HSG and IUI #1 on 100 mg of Clomid. Dr. L is thrilled because I had three follies. That’s pretty good for a 38 year old he says. Yet, BFN.
The HSG shows a “uterine filing defect”, so an office hysteroscopy is scheduled for April 2009 to investigate the filing defect. (I always think of donut filing. It would be much more fun investigating donuts, but I digress…) Here’s where my love affair with Dr. L came to a sudden halt. You see, Dr. L had another doctor practicing with him. More about Dr. J to come….

How we got to HERE....

2009-10-28T12:11:00.000-07:00

Without even considering the infertility from my “prior” life, it has been a journey to get to today in the suppression phase for IVF #1. I don’t care how good of care you receive, how understanding your friends and family are or how strong your soul is, IF leaves some scars. I’ve got scars- some old, some new. Maybe someday they will fade, but for now, they still live even after many years. I mean, I first started trying to conceive in 1998. Sort of unbelievable, no?

I’ve decided that I must be quite the idiot for voluntarily travelling down the IF road again. I had, in the past, at least for the time right after the adoption of my son, sort of come to grips with the IF thing and it was ok. It was just the “way it was” and I coped. I even let myself attend baby showers and gave baby showers in my home, a HUGE step for the infertile woman I was. But with the new life, came new hope and perhaps new denial of the IF.

In the past, all my tests came back normal and it was assumed that the sperm considerations were the root of the problem and why I couldn’t conceive except that we tried donor sperm with no success. I honestly can’t remember how many donor cycles we did. We may just have done one. That part of the past is a blur and now about 10 years ago. At one point on Clomid, used during the IUIs to create multiple follicle targets, I developed a cyst resulting in an IUI cycle arresting. I didn’t get a good explanation from the RE’s office as to the problem and I think I just gave up at that point. Sort of stupid looking back based on what I understand now, but there wasn’t a lot of information exchanged and information on the internet was pretty limited.
“G”, the new, good DH, knew of the past IF stuff and knew we would be off to the dr. if we weren’t bursting with a BFP after a few cycles. It didn’t take a few cycles to figure out we had no chance. Literally, NO CHANCE. It seems G has a delivery problem and can’t get the boys to the target. *Sigh* Seriously, is this a sign that I’m just not destined? Our efforts to remedy the delivery problem were unsuccessful, so heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it’s off for IUI we go. I have to find a new RE.

Getting Started...

2009-10-20T15:08:00.000-07:00

Just getting started blogging as a coping mechanism for infertility and life. A little about me: I'm Jules. I just turned 39. I have a son (6 years) adopted during my first marriage. This is my second battle with infertility though I yet to have a biological child, hence, the name of my blog.

My first dh (nope, not "dear husband" in this context) had bad sperm- poor, lousy, misshapened, defective duds of lazy, slothlike sperm that did nothing. Tears, testing, multiple IUIs, multiple donor sperm IUI's later, I had to get away from childlessness and hopelessness and moved to adoption. I don't regret that decision. I love my son. In hindsight, it was a blessing not to have a child with my mentally ill ex.

Fast forward, 8 years into the marriage and my ex's mental illness blossoms. Not "blossom" like a beautiful cherry tree blossoms in the spring or the blossom of a red, red rose admired by a poet. "Blossom" as in explodes with unbelievable WTF lies, kick you in the stomach repeatedly, lie still to catch your breath though you can't, pound the walls with rage, anger and disbelief, waking up in some kind of nightmare, this can't be my life, who the f___ did I marry, kind of explosion. Jerry Springer would have killed to have my life on his show. It was CLASSIC Springer material. No willingness/ability to recognize there was a problem. Absolutely no contrition. None. Not an ounce, drop or smigen. I had to save myself and my son. Patheological lying and probable bipolarism appeared to be the root of the problem. Some significant, life-altering lies went back 9 nine years to the day that we met. I mean it might have been helpful to know that one of his parents was bipolar and committed suicide before we made super-human efforts to conceive instead of being told a heart attack took the parent's life... Ya know, might have taken some of the "why" factor away and saved some of the heartache that naturally follows a diagnosis of infertility. Might have been easier to move forward to adoption and acceptance of the infertility. Might have been helpful to know to have the bipolarism knowledge due to the strong link of genetics and bipolarism. Indefensible and unforgiveable to keep such a secret from one's spouse of 8 years.

I filed for divorce. Sad. Adoption "miscarriage" as we were in the middle of a second adoption. I admit it. I grieved the loss of the second adoption more than the loss of him. Wrong? Perhaps, but at least I'm honest, which he never was. And looking back, hindsight is always 20/20. I had glimpses of the mental illness, but didn't recognize it for what it was. Mental illness is scary.

Fast forward... Thank you, e-Harmony, where I met current dh (that doesn't sound right, I know...) Yes, he is the current dh, but he's the ONLY dh and if this marriage doesn't work, I'm sooooo NOT doing this again. Some naivety. Thought that all that infertility stuff was in the past and with a new partner, it would be bam, boom and after a couple of months, BFP. Nope. Not even close.

10 months of getting to the point where we are- ready to try IVF no. 1. Details to get to that point later...