Getting Started...

Just getting started blogging as a coping mechanism for infertility and life. A little about me: I'm Jules. I just turned 39. I have a son (6 years) adopted during my first marriage. This is my second battle with infertility though I yet to have a biological child, hence, the name of my blog.

My first dh (nope, not "dear husband" in this context) had bad sperm- poor, lousy, misshapened, defective duds of lazy, slothlike sperm that did nothing. Tears, testing, multiple IUIs, multiple donor sperm IUI's later, I had to get away from childlessness and hopelessness and moved to adoption. I don't regret that decision. I love my son. In hindsight, it was a blessing not to have a child with my mentally ill ex.

Fast forward, 8 years into the marriage and my ex's mental illness blossoms. Not "blossom" like a beautiful cherry tree blossoms in the spring or the blossom of a red, red rose admired by a poet. "Blossom" as in explodes with unbelievable WTF lies, kick you in the stomach repeatedly, lie still to catch your breath though you can't, pound the walls with rage, anger and disbelief, waking up in some kind of nightmare, this can't be my life, who the f___ did I marry, kind of explosion. Jerry Springer would have killed to have my life on his show. It was CLASSIC Springer material. No willingness/ability to recognize there was a problem. Absolutely no contrition. None. Not an ounce, drop or smigen. I had to save myself and my son. Patheological lying and probable bipolarism appeared to be the root of the problem. Some significant, life-altering lies went back 9 nine years to the day that we met. I mean it might have been helpful to know that one of his parents was bipolar and committed suicide before we made super-human efforts to conceive instead of being told a heart attack took the parent's life... Ya know, might have taken some of the "why" factor away and saved some of the heartache that naturally follows a diagnosis of infertility. Might have been easier to move forward to adoption and acceptance of the infertility. Might have been helpful to know to have the bipolarism knowledge due to the strong link of genetics and bipolarism. Indefensible and unforgiveable to keep such a secret from one's spouse of 8 years.

I filed for divorce. Sad. Adoption "miscarriage" as we were in the middle of a second adoption. I admit it. I grieved the loss of the second adoption more than the loss of him. Wrong? Perhaps, but at least I'm honest, which he never was. And looking back, hindsight is always 20/20. I had glimpses of the mental illness, but didn't recognize it for what it was. Mental illness is scary.

Fast forward... Thank you, e-Harmony, where I met current dh (that doesn't sound right, I know...) Yes, he is the current dh, but he's the ONLY dh and if this marriage doesn't work, I'm sooooo NOT doing this again. Some naivety. Thought that all that infertility stuff was in the past and with a new partner, it would be bam, boom and after a couple of months, BFP. Nope. Not even close.

10 months of getting to the point where we are- ready to try IVF no. 1. Details to get to that point later...