Skipping forward...

Well, things are moving along so I'm skipping the history stuff and updating the present. IVF #1 attempt underway. Supression check today. RE's nurse said ovaries and ute looked good. AF arrived this morning. I'm just wanting on the call from the RE's office for the green light for stims to start on Tuesday. Ring phone, ring.

Lol! It worked! Phone just rang. Levels are good. Decrease to 5 units of Lupron and starting stims on Tuesday.

Trying to keep my emotions level. Here we go!

The Good Doctor

The RE of my prior life was ok, I guess, but I hardly ever saw the RE, and only dealt with the nurses. Not ideal in my mind and let’s just say his nurses weren’t the most sensitive. I mean, is it really appropriate to tell an IF patient to her face that if the procedure doesn’t work, “you can always get a dog”? (I have dogs. I love dogs but clearly, there’s no comparison with a child). Yes, in the prior life, I tolerated bad behavior and I’m ashamed I did. How many other women suffering from IF did the insensitive b$#@) say the same thing to? Needless to say, the prior RE and his staff weren’t on the list of the top 3 choices for the new RE and the dog nurse is lucky she’s not saying that to my face today because I’m not so tolerant of bad behavior in my old age. Behavior like that would have a consequence and not a pleasant one. My profession as an advocate for others has taught me to advocate for myself as well. She would not have escaped unscathed.
This time around, I landed with an RE who successfully treated a friend. Let’s call him Dr. L. Dr. L was a delightful man. Really, he was. He was a little hard to communicate with because of language differences, but generally I liked him and had confidence in his abilities as an RE. He recommends a Clomid challenge test and a new HSG (yippee!) as well as testing for dh. We start this process in February 2009. I passed the Clomid challenge test with an FSH of 5.3 and G’s boys look pretty good, so things are looking a bit more encouraging than in the past. March 2009 is the HSG and IUI #1 on 100 mg of Clomid. Dr. L is thrilled because I had three follies. That’s pretty good for a 38 year old he says. Yet, BFN.
The HSG shows a “uterine filing defect”, so an office hysteroscopy is scheduled for April 2009 to investigate the filing defect. (I always think of donut filing. It would be much more fun investigating donuts, but I digress…) Here’s where my love affair with Dr. L came to a sudden halt. You see, Dr. L had another doctor practicing with him. More about Dr. J to come….

How we got to HERE....

Without even considering the infertility from my “prior” life, it has been a journey to get to today in the suppression phase for IVF #1. I don’t care how good of care you receive, how understanding your friends and family are or how strong your soul is, IF leaves some scars. I’ve got scars- some old, some new. Maybe someday they will fade, but for now, they still live even after many years. I mean, I first started trying to conceive in 1998. Sort of unbelievable, no?

I’ve decided that I must be quite the idiot for voluntarily travelling down the IF road again. I had, in the past, at least for the time right after the adoption of my son, sort of come to grips with the IF thing and it was ok. It was just the “way it was” and I coped. I even let myself attend baby showers and gave baby showers in my home, a HUGE step for the infertile woman I was. But with the new life, came new hope and perhaps new denial of the IF.

In the past, all my tests came back normal and it was assumed that the sperm considerations were the root of the problem and why I couldn’t conceive except that we tried donor sperm with no success. I honestly can’t remember how many donor cycles we did. We may just have done one. That part of the past is a blur and now about 10 years ago. At one point on Clomid, used during the IUIs to create multiple follicle targets, I developed a cyst resulting in an IUI cycle arresting. I didn’t get a good explanation from the RE’s office as to the problem and I think I just gave up at that point. Sort of stupid looking back based on what I understand now, but there wasn’t a lot of information exchanged and information on the internet was pretty limited.
“G”, the new, good DH, knew of the past IF stuff and knew we would be off to the dr. if we weren’t bursting with a BFP after a few cycles. It didn’t take a few cycles to figure out we had no chance. Literally, NO CHANCE. It seems G has a delivery problem and can’t get the boys to the target. *Sigh* Seriously, is this a sign that I’m just not destined? Our efforts to remedy the delivery problem were unsuccessful, so heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it’s off for IUI we go. I have to find a new RE.

Getting Started...

Just getting started blogging as a coping mechanism for infertility and life. A little about me: I'm Jules. I just turned 39. I have a son (6 years) adopted during my first marriage. This is my second battle with infertility though I yet to have a biological child, hence, the name of my blog.

My first dh (nope, not "dear husband" in this context) had bad sperm- poor, lousy, misshapened, defective duds of lazy, slothlike sperm that did nothing. Tears, testing, multiple IUIs, multiple donor sperm IUI's later, I had to get away from childlessness and hopelessness and moved to adoption. I don't regret that decision. I love my son. In hindsight, it was a blessing not to have a child with my mentally ill ex.

Fast forward, 8 years into the marriage and my ex's mental illness blossoms. Not "blossom" like a beautiful cherry tree blossoms in the spring or the blossom of a red, red rose admired by a poet. "Blossom" as in explodes with unbelievable WTF lies, kick you in the stomach repeatedly, lie still to catch your breath though you can't, pound the walls with rage, anger and disbelief, waking up in some kind of nightmare, this can't be my life, who the f___ did I marry, kind of explosion. Jerry Springer would have killed to have my life on his show. It was CLASSIC Springer material. No willingness/ability to recognize there was a problem. Absolutely no contrition. None. Not an ounce, drop or smigen. I had to save myself and my son. Patheological lying and probable bipolarism appeared to be the root of the problem. Some significant, life-altering lies went back 9 nine years to the day that we met. I mean it might have been helpful to know that one of his parents was bipolar and committed suicide before we made super-human efforts to conceive instead of being told a heart attack took the parent's life... Ya know, might have taken some of the "why" factor away and saved some of the heartache that naturally follows a diagnosis of infertility. Might have been easier to move forward to adoption and acceptance of the infertility. Might have been helpful to know to have the bipolarism knowledge due to the strong link of genetics and bipolarism. Indefensible and unforgiveable to keep such a secret from one's spouse of 8 years.

I filed for divorce. Sad. Adoption "miscarriage" as we were in the middle of a second adoption. I admit it. I grieved the loss of the second adoption more than the loss of him. Wrong? Perhaps, but at least I'm honest, which he never was. And looking back, hindsight is always 20/20. I had glimpses of the mental illness, but didn't recognize it for what it was. Mental illness is scary.

Fast forward... Thank you, e-Harmony, where I met current dh (that doesn't sound right, I know...) Yes, he is the current dh, but he's the ONLY dh and if this marriage doesn't work, I'm sooooo NOT doing this again. Some naivety. Thought that all that infertility stuff was in the past and with a new partner, it would be bam, boom and after a couple of months, BFP. Nope. Not even close.

10 months of getting to the point where we are- ready to try IVF no. 1. Details to get to that point later...