8w3d and all is well....

Final appointment with my RE yesterday at 8w3d. I've been released to the OB. Scary! RE said everything couldn't look more perfect. I'm hoping that situation stays the same. I'm happy to report that it seems (knock on wood...) that the spotting has ceased. Baby is 19.87 mm, measuring one day ahead at 8w4d and heartbeat was 176 bpm.

Counting down the days to complete the first 12 weeks. 30 days to go. Seems like an eternity! I suspect that I will have one u/s with the OB during that period of time. I plan on ordering a doppler so that I can hopefully hear the baby's heartbeat soon to reassure me all is well.

Of course, I am thrilled to be pregnant, but the fear of miscarrying has overshadowed the joy I should be feeling. I'm trying to move past the fear and I'm trying to take a lesson from Sprogblogger, who I admire immensely. Despite the substantial adversity she has faced, she has overcome the fear and will revel in her soon-to-be-successful donor cycle. (In fact, she's PUPO as of today, so offer her your congratulations, please).

Revel. Not cope. Not survive. Not exist day by day until the magical 12 week mark. Instead, revel. If Sprogblogger can revel, so can I. I have an appointment today with the counselor I saw when I went through my divorce. I'm hoping she can help me get past some of the fear to the reveling as well.

Well, as it turns out....

I couldn't wait two weeks to see the baby again... I started spotting red this morning. I spotted red last week but the spotting stopped over the weekend and started back up today. I called the RE's office almost in tears. They worked me in and the head IVF nurse did my ultrasound. As it turns out, I like it better when she does the u/s than my RE. She was awesome and zoomed in on everything. The little heart is still fluttering away at 136 bpm and baby bean has grown since my last u/s only 48 hours before from 5.87 mm to 9.83 mm, so today I measured exactly 7 weeks, which is where I am gestationally. I also got to hear the heartbeat. My RE turned on the sound on Wed. but we didn't get to hear anything. The little beat-beat brought tears to my eyes today.

I told the IVF nurse I would try to be good until my next real appointment on Dec. 30. Hopefully, my body will cooperate! Nothing like seeing that little flutter for some reassurance though...

No idea what is causing the bleeding, but told me to try not to worry about it and that everything looks perfect. Whew.....

Ultrasound #2

We have a heartbeat! Yay! RE said it was too soon to try to measure the beats but that the heartbeat looked nice and strong. I am 6w5d today, but only measured 6w3d. That concerns me a little (ok, a lot!). Two weeks for next ultrasound. Two weeks! How in the heck am I going to make it two weeks???? Essentially, at 5w5d, the fetal pole measured 2.07mm. Today the fetal pole measured 5.87. If the growth is 1 mm a day, the fetal pole should have been 8 mm, thus, I'm 2 mm behind. Argh.

Spotting has subsided for the most part. RE said I could switch to Prometrium if I wanted, but I think I'm going to keep up the shots until the next u/s.

Checked my TSH today to see if we need to increase my dosage of Synthroid for my hypothyroidism.

I'm thrilled we saw the heartbeat, but concerned at the same time. KWIM?

Still spotting.....

Urgh! I'm still spotting. Not a lot, but still I WISH. IT. WOULD. STOP!!!!

6 weeks today. Wednesday can't come soon enough for sonogram no. 2 to make sure everything is ok. I'm seriously trying not to stress, but it is hard when everything I go to the bathroom, there's pink on the tp.

U/S Picture 5w5d

I know its doesn't look impressive, but here's yesterday's ultrasound picture. I can't express how reassuring the ultrasound was. The fetal pole is the little blob between the two colored markers. Yay for a little blob. :-) It makes me happy!

Ultrasound #1

Despite my dr's crazy policy on the timing of beta test no. 2, I really do love him. I talked to the nurse and saw the dr. this afternoon. He looked with the speculum and saw no blood, so that made me feel better.

He also did an ultrasound. We have a yolk sac and a baby with fetal pole with a crown-to-rump length (CRL) of 2.07 mm. He seemed confident that we will see the heartbeat at my next u/s appt, which is next Wed. I read that generally the heartbeat is detectable when the CRL is 5 mm, so we are 3 mm away from there. He said I could make the u/s appointment for Monday if I wanted to.... I'm assuming that means we should have the needed growth by then, but I opted to give 2 more days...

He said not to worry about the spotting (and it really hasn't been too much, but enough to throw me into orbit). His wife spotted during her pg so he understands the worry. He said I could come in again for reassurance. I told him to be careful, I might be there a tad more frequently than he would like.... And no additional beta on Friday. He says my last number was good enough he's not worried. I guess I have to rely on his expertise in that.

So, I think this is all good news. Thanks for your encouragement and support. :-)

Cramps...

What kind of cramps are normal? Last night, I had 4-5 hours of mild to moderate cramps, although they never quite reached AF intensity. This followed the light pink tp, which was minimal, but still scares me. Not as tired today and the girls really aren't sore anymore. Ugh. Two more days until the next beta. I seriously don't know if I can make it!

I thought about calling my regular gyn to see if he would get me in to check things out. I think my RE's office would just ask me to wait until Friday.

Update: Damn. Red. Calling dr.

Scared..

Ok, so I admit, it I am almost paralyzed with fear.... What if something goes wrong? I thought I saw a spot of pinkish discharge on the tp today. I feel crazy with worry. I simply don't know if I have it in me to go through this again if the worst happens. I know the odds are in my favor. 75% of baby sticking... 25% of, well, not. But, it seems that the fear is consumming me. How do I get past that?

Seriously, I don't want to let G down, but I don't know if I can go through this stress again. I think I might just want to opt for adoption again. That's not to say that adoption isn't stressful in itself. It is and it is invasive and makes you feel like you are under a microscope and being judged all the time.

Blah! Maybe I'll feel better after next week's ultrasound? But then I think, how will I get through Christmas if the worst happens before then? Pretty much, once again... I'm a mess.

Crazy tiredness and a little nausea...

I was a little more tired that usual last week but ooohhhh my! The tiredness really hit me yesterday like a ton of bricks. I simply couldn't function. I left work early and went home for a nap from 6 pm to 7:30 or so and was back in bed by 9 pm. Tired today too after sleeping an additional full 8 hours. That means I slept 9.5 hours yesterday. Craziness....

I'm not sure how Christmas gifts are going to be purchased and wrapped this year, but I guess I don't care too much. I did some online shopping but some of the gifts have to be purchased in the store. I guess I'll send G with a list. That should be interesting! Thank goodness for gift bags. I generally wrap each present and decorate the package. Ummmmm.... Not so much this year. One gift bag per person with all the presents in the bag and tissue stuffed on the top. That's my plan. :-)

I have discovered that G will eventually do the household chores that I have not been getting done because of taking it easy. It might take him three days to wipe off the stovetop after he cooked, but he will eventually clean it up....

Little queasiness mid-morning for the past couple of days but nothing too bad yet.

Three more sleeps until beta no. 4.

Beta #3 Results

So, I calculated that the beta needed to be 800ish today to have doubled in 48ish hours. It is 1820! I can't believe it. It went from 209 to 1820 from Monday to today, doubling time of 30ish hours.

Beta #4 is scheduled for next Friday and then they will schedule the ultrasound. Wow, this is really happening!

3rd Beta drawn....

Now just the wait! Ugh!!! I hope to hear by 3:00 pm this afternoon. Prayers, positive thoughts and crossed fingers, please.

Whew!

It looks like I am indeed pregnant. I really can't believe it and I am very thankful!

My very sweet GP called me with yesterday's beta results. Before he gave me the results, he quizzed me on when the last time I had an hcg injection was so as to make sure the beta wasn't showing a false positive.

Last Friday's beta at 11dp3dt was 68 and yesterday's number at 14dp3dt or 17 dpo was 209!!!! So the doubling time is about 45 hours or so. Yeah!

Now I feel like I can breathe a little. Next beta is Friday at the RE's office.

Again, thanks for everyone's support. It means more than I could ever express in words...

Urgh!

So, when the Re's office called with beta no.1 on Friday, the nurse said recheck on Monday, which would have been 72 hours... Shortly later, she called back and said recheck on Friday instead, one week after beta no. 1. What? Is my Re crazy? Does he not realize that there's no way I can wait until FRIDAY to know if the pregnancy is progressing as it should?!?!?

So, I called my gp's office this morning to see if I could come in for a beta. Yes, I can come in. I get there and have a very bizarre conversation with the lab tech drawing my blood because no where on her paper does it say to check hcg. Instead, my thryoid, cholesterol, lipids, etc. are being checked. What? I tell the girl at the desk and supposedly the hcg is added to the draw. I get the results tomorrow.

I'm stressed waiting and irritated that my RE doesn't do the repeat beta at 48 hours. I'm sure he has a reason but whatever it is, I don't like it! :-)

On a happier note, the pee sticks are getting darker and no more bleeding. I've read that statistically, I have a 25% of miscarrying. I'm trying to focus on the 75% chance of success!

Thanks for everyone's support.

Beta...

Beta today at 11dp3dt or 14 dpo was 68. I only got the positive hpt on Wednesday evening and it was faint, faint, faint on a FRER sensitive to 25, so I think the number would be consistent with a doubling in about 48 hours. Monday is second beta. Please cross fingers. I had a spotting incident yesterday morning that really scared me, but since nothing. The line of the FRER today was darker than on Thursday morning so that makes me feel better. (Yes, the hpt manufacturers love me. I think I have peed on 15 sticks so far!) ACK!

When I was in for my beta, saw my RE (who is awesome) and told him I cheated on the hpt. He gave me a hug and said "I'm not worried about the bleeding and I don't want you to be worried either." I'm trying to think positively, but recognize this could have a poor outcome.

I checked the Betabase and it looks like 388 women had betas in that range at 14dpo and 235 had betas lower. Of course, many had higher betas.

I sorta feel in limbo land with the bleeding and the kinda low beta. Kinda scared and afraid to let myself feel happy yet.

Monday will be the big test!

Ummmmm......

Today is 9dp3dt. No spotting since yesterday around 1 pm or so. No cramps either.

I am in shock. I first started trying to get pregnant in 1998. I've never, ever gotten two lines on a hpt. 11 years of stark white negatives!

I got a BFP on a FRER last night but really faint. I tested again this morning with a FRER and again faint. I stopped at Walmart on the way to work and got a "pregnant" on a clearblue digital and a nice, definite positive on a EPT.

I know it is early. I know what CAN happen, but for now, I'm cautiously optimistic.

Beta is on Friday....

TMI

I'm about to share TMI, not for the faint of heart.... At 8dp3dt, I've got light pink on the toilet paper this afternoon. Too late for implantation bleeding, no? Can you have break through bleeding on daily PIO injections? For some reason, I thought that was unlikely. Gah!

POAS

and at 10dpo/7dp3dt, BFN.

I know it could be early, but I suspect not. *sigh* Am resigning myself for the bad news. Grrr.

691,200...

Nope... that number is not how much money G and I have in the bank. Not even close. If it were, I wouldn't be stressed about how we will pay for IVF #2 if IVF #1 fails. It is the number of seconds until I expect results from my beta test on "Black Friday".

Really, "Black Friday"? I know it is a day of good shopping deals and all for those crazy, umm... I mean, brave people (including G, even after my haranging for the foolishness of it all) willing to stand elbow to elbow with their fellow man at 5 o'clock in the morning in bone chilling temperatures in hopes of having a chance for 1 of the 5 big screen tvs the big discount store down the street is selling for $200. But, I ask, is Black Friday really an auspicious day for a beta result?

I think not. Instead, it seems to denote despair and negativity. I mean, just how good can the results on a "Black Friday" be? And why is it called BF anyway? Is this when retailers hope to finally pull out of the red for the year? That doesn't encourage me either. I don't want any red associated with beta day. That denotes the impending arrival of AF, who we hope stays away for a nice, long time. The association with red also nixes Valentine's Day and Christmas.

I need a day that conjures up visions of happiness and joy. May Day perhaps. That's a nice and cheerful day or Easter, with its newness, or Earth Day, where everything is green, fertile and harmonous. Instead, even the calendar mocks me and my efforts to conceive. What do I get? Black Friday. I can just hear the calendar's taunting refrain now. 690,586...

My Date with the Michelin Man

The Michelin man... you know who I'm talking about. That round, white character that advertises tires? I met him (well, sort of...) yesterday during ET. You see, G, has this round Buddha belly. Once having donned the sterile outfit, all white from head to toe required for attending the transfer, he transformed into the Michelin man. My beloved dh converted into the goofy looking Michelin man. I will never see the tire mascot again without thinking of ET day.

ET went without a hitch. We transferred two 8 celled "good looking" embryos according to the embryologist and RE. I purposefully didn't inquire about the grading as I knew I would obsess too much. It looks as if one of the embies was starting to compact, which is good. As most say, the full bladder was the worst thing about ET. My RE's office said to drink 32 oz and hour before transfer. I knew I couldn't hold that much. I stopped at about 20 oz, but even that was uncomfortable!

After the ET, before the speculum came out, the embryologist flushed the catheter to make sure both embies had arrived to their destination. Nice reassurance that both had. Now if one just decides to stick!

The embryologist will continue to watch embies 3 and 4. Yesterday they were at four cell. He said there still could be hope that they will continue to grow and perhaps make a blast.

PIO shot no. 3 without too much discomfort. 10 more of those if there's no BFP. About 40 if I am. One step at a time! I start the Vivirelle estrogen patches on Friday.

3 Day report

The embryologist called this morning, nice and early. I didn't know if he would call since we are scheduled for transfer today, but he did and....

We have two "nice" 8 cell embies. The other two seemed to stop dividing at 4 cell. I didn't realistically think we would have anything to freeze, so two is all we need.

*sigh* I'm just grateful to have gotten to this point. I'll feel less anxious (I hope!) when they are back in me!

Just three hours to transfer....

Curly headed Indians...

So we are set (hopefully... so long as the embies did well from yesterday morning to tomorrow afternoon) for a 3 day transfer tomorrow afternoon at 4:00 pm. I keep thinking about my little embies, almost (hopefully!) willing them to grow. A funny observation: I have tried to keep myself as detached as possible. I have not thought about what those embies might look like if they became a child. My IRL friend (who is pregnant with twins on her third IVF attempt) reminded me that the embies are curly headed Indians. You see, my dh is of Indian descent by means of the Carribbean island of Trinidad, and I am cursed with curly hair. I was sort of shocked with the realization that I have curly headed Indians embies, even in a manner of speaking. I had not even allowed myself to think of anything of the sort other than cells in a dish.

I thought about the ultimate outcome of the baby, what it might look like, etc. in the past, during the first infertility battle in my late 20s. Having gone through this battle second time, I find myself much more focused on the immediate goal at hand (i.e. no cysts so can start bcps, no cysts so can start stims, making it to ER, making it to ET, etc.) than the end result of the birth of a child. I see the past filed with naivety relating to my ability to conceive and birth a child. Yes, that it the ultimate end goal, but it seems a million miles away now.

Perhaps my my lack of attention to the embies as anything other than cells is because I have (at least cognitively) learned that life doesn't always work out "fairly" and the 2 car garage with 2.3 kids and the dog isn't how everyone's life matures matter how courageously one fights r how loud one wails. Indeed, there is no fairness in who ultimately becomes a parent or how. I am reminded of this constantly and I still struggle with this sometimes, at least emotionally, if not cognitively.

After the curly headed Indian reminder, I am back on track focusing on the embies making it to transfer tomorrow afternoon. Detached seems easier than engaged. I can only imagine what that says about me as a person. Thank you, IF.

On a side note, last night was the first PIO injection and dh performed like a champ. I numbed the target area with the Emla cream prescribed by my RE an hour before the injection and the injection was slightly uncomfortable but by no means unbearable and was much less worse than I had anticipated. I am hoping that this was not just beginner's luck! So now I have a nightly date with Emla cream at 8 pm, followed by my PIO date at 9 pm. At least for the next 14 days and hopefully longer.

My beta will be the day after Thanksgiving if the RE's office is open, which I suspect it will be. I can't think that a beta result on "Black Friday" can denote anything positive! But, what can a girl expect following a retrieval performed on Friday the 13th?

My fortune cookie for the Chinese food we ate on the day of retrieval said "An unexpected relationship will become permanent". I'm hoping the fortune cookie wins.

Fertilization report...

6 eggs retrieved; 5 were mature. Of those 5, 4 fertilized. The embryologist said at that 3 of the 4 look good and healthy. The pronuclei in the 4th looks a little faint, so he has that embie separated so he can watch it, but it may be fine. Time will tell.

3 day transfer on Monday at 4 pm with AH due to my age (assuming we still have something to transfer by that time....) Please send strong, growing embie thoughts this weekend. At this point, I'm pretty much an emotional mess.

Only 6....

Retrieved only 6 :( The embryologist said he would call around 8 am tomorrow with the fertilization report. I guess as long as 4 fertilize, we will have something to work with.... I just wish we had more to work with. I can't imagine that we will be headed for anything but a 3 day transfer, which will be Monday afternoon. As luck would have it, I have a huge contested hearing which will last most of Monday, but my RE is cool and said he's happy to do the transfer at 5 pm if that's the earliest I can be available.

My RE is also a little crazy. This morning before the surgery, he was sporting a fake mustache, crooked. He's such a goof but I appreciate the effort to lighten the mood a bunch. :-)

Retrieval tomorrow at 9:15 am

Triggered last night at 9:15 pm. The glass syringe for the Ovidrel was a little weird compared to the plastic ones I am used to. Retrieval is at 9:15 am tomorrow morning. Crazy day at work today, so I'll be distracted. I have to say I don't have a good feeling about tomorrow. I don't think we are going to retrieve many eggs. I'm trying to prepare myself mentally for that outcome, but I know if only a couple are retrieved, I will feel extremely disappointed.

We had planned to do three more cycles under a shared risk program if this cycle doesn't take, but I don't know.... I stand amazed at you very strong women who go through this process multiple times with varying outcomes of success. I admire your courage.

Trigger tonight...

Trigger tonight for Friday morning retrieval. Looks like there are 8 large follicles and at least one smaller one which may come to the party. Work is kicking my butt, so I'm staying fairly distracted which is good. :-)

I've been doing ok, but now... I'm....

SCARED. Scared of all the what if's. What if we don't get multiple eggs? What if the eggs are all duds? What if none/few fertilize? What if we have nothing to transfer? Ugh.

I'm officially stressing. No one around me gets it. I know you guys understand. I could use a hug.

Second u/s

Today was the second u/s. Nine follies growing as they should. Nothing exciting to report, except may not have to go for more bloodwork or u/s tomorrow. If everything looks ok, I'll go back Wed. morning for final check and trigger Wed. night for a Friday retrieval.

Second E2 check and a surprise ultrasound

Today was my second E2 check but I was told my first u/s would be Monday. I was surprised when the nurse said Dr. K was going to do an u/s too (and, of course, I skipped shaving the legs this morning. Grrr.). Normally, I'm not too crazy about meeting the wand, but I wanted to know what's going on in there after 4 days of stims.

So, it looks like there are nine follies ranging from 12-14. Based on my age of 39, I'm pleased with that and Dr. K was pleased. We are ICSI bound, so if all 9 are retrieved, statistically we would have 6-7 fertilize. I would love more to work with, but I'm not 25 or even 35, so I think we are in an ok place for now.

Dr. K expects that I will stim for 9 days, which would be to Wed., with retrieval tenatively on Friday. My E2 from the last check was 245. Dr. K says he likes to see between 100-300. He said I was "textbook". Dh said "Ah man, you weren't even a mystery paperback?" In this context, I'll embrace "textbook".

First E2 Stimming Update

I went for my morning stick before work . I've ditched the coffee and even more sacrificially, Diet Coke, (I miss you, my friend), since stimming started. The only thing that will get me going now is the vicious stab of the phlebotomist, her cruel tool into my arm for a blood draw at the RE's office. (Actually, she's usually a gentle stick, but she must have skipped her coffee, because she was a little on the rough side today. Ouchie!)

Eight + hours later and the results are in (not that I was counting or anything....). After 2.5 days of stimming, E2 is "perfect" according to the nurse. I was too chicken to ask the level afraid I would obsess too much over it as I understand E2 levels can vary wildly. So on the same dose we stay: 75 iu of Menopur and 375 of Follistim (which means 2 Follistim injections tonight since I don't want to waste any of that liquid gold at its expensive cost!) Next E2 check Saturday morning and first post-stimming u/s Monday morning.

So, I guess all is well or I'm too ignorant to know otherwise. This afternoon I have started to have twinges in my ovaries, at least the area that I perceive to be my ovaries, which is where I generally have twinges around ovulation time. I'm embracing the twinges as a signal that something is happening. For now, it is all I've got to go on!

To go or not to go....

The first injection with the Follistim pen was last night and my blogging buddy, PJ, was right. I love the pen! Much better than mixing the Menopur. Tomorrow is my first E2 check. Hoping everything is right on target. I'm on 375 IU of Menopur presently, which I am assuming is attributable to my advanced age. (Yes, I AM old!) I keep telling myself that genetics must be in my favor. My mom had a natural pg at 42 and gave birth to my brother at 43, so surely I can do this!

My RE is having an IVF seminar tonight, which is optional. I can't decide whether I want to go or not. I'm afraid it might make me more anxious and am leaning toward skipping it.

Acupuncture last night. Very relaxing. She used the wonderful mineral heat lamp thingy and electrically stimulated the needles in my abdomen. Who knows if it will help, but I guess it can't hurt anything but my wallet.

The Cheesecake Report

I was feeling pretty bummed yesterday, sort of inexplicably blue. So, I managed to sneak away from the office for a lil trip to Central Market, this fancy, dancy store with all kinds of indulgent and yummy treats. One piece of pumpkin cheesecake with gingersnap crust later, I felt better, if not somewhat guilty. I'll beat myself up over it later but at least I made it through the day.

I have been having IVF dreams. I'm sure it is because thinking about the IVF has been occupying so much of my awake thoughts. So in my dream last night, I was trying to figure out the steps I was supposed to take to administer the medicine and I just couldn't do it. There was some brown goo I had to do something with and I just couldn't get it right. Figures! Actually, Menopur injection no. 1 went ok this morning and Follistim pen injection no. 1 is tonight so hopefully that will go well too. I watched the video on the pen again yesterday. I'm sure if we are on to IVF #2, I'll be an old pro at this...

My RE gives my odds of success at 40%. G thinks those are GREAT odds. To me, not so much. 6 out of 10 women are going to walk away broken-hearted. My IRL friend, who has twins with her partner from their first IUI with donor sperm, is trying to be supportive. "Think positively" she says. I guess it is hard to even dream that after more than 10 years of IF, I might actually have a chance at pregnancy... Trying not to think about the possibilities and just take one step at a time.

Stims start tomorrow....

So, stims start tomorrow and then to the RE for bloodwork to check E2 levels on Thursday and Saturday. I thought I would be excited. Instead, I'm just feeling afraid of failing and pretty emotional. Ugh. I hate feeling emotional. It is just there are so many things that could go wrong from here. (YES, I'm a glass-half-empty-kind-of-gal, esp. where the IF stuff goes).

I thought that I would have an ultrasound so we could see the number of follies developing on Thursday and again on Saturday. I swear that's what my schedule from the RE said, but I found out today no ultrasound until Monday, Nov. 9. I know the E2 levels increasing will show progress, but I was hoping for something more tangible. Kinda bummed about that.

I think I need cheesecake to make me feel all better.

Skipping forward...

Well, things are moving along so I'm skipping the history stuff and updating the present. IVF #1 attempt underway. Supression check today. RE's nurse said ovaries and ute looked good. AF arrived this morning. I'm just wanting on the call from the RE's office for the green light for stims to start on Tuesday. Ring phone, ring.

Lol! It worked! Phone just rang. Levels are good. Decrease to 5 units of Lupron and starting stims on Tuesday.

Trying to keep my emotions level. Here we go!

The Good Doctor

The RE of my prior life was ok, I guess, but I hardly ever saw the RE, and only dealt with the nurses. Not ideal in my mind and let’s just say his nurses weren’t the most sensitive. I mean, is it really appropriate to tell an IF patient to her face that if the procedure doesn’t work, “you can always get a dog”? (I have dogs. I love dogs but clearly, there’s no comparison with a child). Yes, in the prior life, I tolerated bad behavior and I’m ashamed I did. How many other women suffering from IF did the insensitive b$#@) say the same thing to? Needless to say, the prior RE and his staff weren’t on the list of the top 3 choices for the new RE and the dog nurse is lucky she’s not saying that to my face today because I’m not so tolerant of bad behavior in my old age. Behavior like that would have a consequence and not a pleasant one. My profession as an advocate for others has taught me to advocate for myself as well. She would not have escaped unscathed.
This time around, I landed with an RE who successfully treated a friend. Let’s call him Dr. L. Dr. L was a delightful man. Really, he was. He was a little hard to communicate with because of language differences, but generally I liked him and had confidence in his abilities as an RE. He recommends a Clomid challenge test and a new HSG (yippee!) as well as testing for dh. We start this process in February 2009. I passed the Clomid challenge test with an FSH of 5.3 and G’s boys look pretty good, so things are looking a bit more encouraging than in the past. March 2009 is the HSG and IUI #1 on 100 mg of Clomid. Dr. L is thrilled because I had three follies. That’s pretty good for a 38 year old he says. Yet, BFN.
The HSG shows a “uterine filing defect”, so an office hysteroscopy is scheduled for April 2009 to investigate the filing defect. (I always think of donut filing. It would be much more fun investigating donuts, but I digress…) Here’s where my love affair with Dr. L came to a sudden halt. You see, Dr. L had another doctor practicing with him. More about Dr. J to come….

How we got to HERE....

Without even considering the infertility from my “prior” life, it has been a journey to get to today in the suppression phase for IVF #1. I don’t care how good of care you receive, how understanding your friends and family are or how strong your soul is, IF leaves some scars. I’ve got scars- some old, some new. Maybe someday they will fade, but for now, they still live even after many years. I mean, I first started trying to conceive in 1998. Sort of unbelievable, no?

I’ve decided that I must be quite the idiot for voluntarily travelling down the IF road again. I had, in the past, at least for the time right after the adoption of my son, sort of come to grips with the IF thing and it was ok. It was just the “way it was” and I coped. I even let myself attend baby showers and gave baby showers in my home, a HUGE step for the infertile woman I was. But with the new life, came new hope and perhaps new denial of the IF.

In the past, all my tests came back normal and it was assumed that the sperm considerations were the root of the problem and why I couldn’t conceive except that we tried donor sperm with no success. I honestly can’t remember how many donor cycles we did. We may just have done one. That part of the past is a blur and now about 10 years ago. At one point on Clomid, used during the IUIs to create multiple follicle targets, I developed a cyst resulting in an IUI cycle arresting. I didn’t get a good explanation from the RE’s office as to the problem and I think I just gave up at that point. Sort of stupid looking back based on what I understand now, but there wasn’t a lot of information exchanged and information on the internet was pretty limited.
“G”, the new, good DH, knew of the past IF stuff and knew we would be off to the dr. if we weren’t bursting with a BFP after a few cycles. It didn’t take a few cycles to figure out we had no chance. Literally, NO CHANCE. It seems G has a delivery problem and can’t get the boys to the target. *Sigh* Seriously, is this a sign that I’m just not destined? Our efforts to remedy the delivery problem were unsuccessful, so heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it’s off for IUI we go. I have to find a new RE.

Getting Started...

Just getting started blogging as a coping mechanism for infertility and life. A little about me: I'm Jules. I just turned 39. I have a son (6 years) adopted during my first marriage. This is my second battle with infertility though I yet to have a biological child, hence, the name of my blog.

My first dh (nope, not "dear husband" in this context) had bad sperm- poor, lousy, misshapened, defective duds of lazy, slothlike sperm that did nothing. Tears, testing, multiple IUIs, multiple donor sperm IUI's later, I had to get away from childlessness and hopelessness and moved to adoption. I don't regret that decision. I love my son. In hindsight, it was a blessing not to have a child with my mentally ill ex.

Fast forward, 8 years into the marriage and my ex's mental illness blossoms. Not "blossom" like a beautiful cherry tree blossoms in the spring or the blossom of a red, red rose admired by a poet. "Blossom" as in explodes with unbelievable WTF lies, kick you in the stomach repeatedly, lie still to catch your breath though you can't, pound the walls with rage, anger and disbelief, waking up in some kind of nightmare, this can't be my life, who the f___ did I marry, kind of explosion. Jerry Springer would have killed to have my life on his show. It was CLASSIC Springer material. No willingness/ability to recognize there was a problem. Absolutely no contrition. None. Not an ounce, drop or smigen. I had to save myself and my son. Patheological lying and probable bipolarism appeared to be the root of the problem. Some significant, life-altering lies went back 9 nine years to the day that we met. I mean it might have been helpful to know that one of his parents was bipolar and committed suicide before we made super-human efforts to conceive instead of being told a heart attack took the parent's life... Ya know, might have taken some of the "why" factor away and saved some of the heartache that naturally follows a diagnosis of infertility. Might have been easier to move forward to adoption and acceptance of the infertility. Might have been helpful to know to have the bipolarism knowledge due to the strong link of genetics and bipolarism. Indefensible and unforgiveable to keep such a secret from one's spouse of 8 years.

I filed for divorce. Sad. Adoption "miscarriage" as we were in the middle of a second adoption. I admit it. I grieved the loss of the second adoption more than the loss of him. Wrong? Perhaps, but at least I'm honest, which he never was. And looking back, hindsight is always 20/20. I had glimpses of the mental illness, but didn't recognize it for what it was. Mental illness is scary.

Fast forward... Thank you, e-Harmony, where I met current dh (that doesn't sound right, I know...) Yes, he is the current dh, but he's the ONLY dh and if this marriage doesn't work, I'm sooooo NOT doing this again. Some naivety. Thought that all that infertility stuff was in the past and with a new partner, it would be bam, boom and after a couple of months, BFP. Nope. Not even close.

10 months of getting to the point where we are- ready to try IVF no. 1. Details to get to that point later...