Struggling....

Ugh. I am struggling. I'll be 13 weeks on Friday but I can't get past the fear that something is going to go wrong. The doppler is not my friend now. For a few days, I found the hb with little trouble and the reading was in the expected range (150-160). Now, I'm lucky if I can get anything and it is generally in the 120's. I'm not sure what to make of that when I had an ultrasound the day before an the hb was 160.

I went to the new OB last Thursday and I really liked her. BUT she didn't do an ultrasound, doppler or internal exam (not that I'm complaining!) said that she won't do any ultrasounds from now until 24 weeks except for a gender check at 18-20 weeks. My brain left the appointment trying to process getting through the next THREE months without having positive proof that the baby is still alive and growing as it should be. I recognize that this may be the standard of care for most pregnant women.... but I just don't like it! The OB said that this is because if there is something wrong prior to 24 weeks there simply isn't much that can be done. She did say that once I hit 24 weeks (which is 78 days away.... yes, I am counting. Can you tell how anxious and miserable I am?), she will do monthly and likely bi-weekly ultrasounds to measure baby's growth because of my blood pressure. She was reassuring in that she doesn't consider my pregnancy "high risk" simply because I'm ancient and because I have high blood pressure. That was reassuring. She didn't seem to think much of the peri practice that the "old" OB referred me to. She indicated I didn't really need to see a peri, but if I wanted to, she would get me into a different practice. So, I left the visit feeling good, optimistic and convincing myself that some how I could get through three months with one ultrasound.... and prepared to cancel the peri appt scheduled for a few days later.

Unfortunately, in a week's time my resolve has weakened and I just am not sure how no ultraounds is going to work for me emotionally. I can go to a local "elective" sonogram place for some reassurance. They do measure the baby's heartbeat, but no opinion as to health of the baby or measurement of growth.

I was all prepared to cancel the peri appt after seeing the new OB. But, my son (adopted from Korea in 2004. See blog entry no. 1) got sick last Friday and I totally forgot to call and cancel Monday's appt. So I went on Monday to the peri appt. The thought of getting an ultrasound was just too big a temptation. The appt itself was a downright BEATING. I was there for over 3 hours starting at 11:30 am and didn't bring a snack. I was feeling very sick when I left from not eating. The genetic counseling session was a joke. I felt insulted when the counselor asked me if I knew what DNA and chromosomes are. Ummmm. No. I'm clueless. Grrrr. Frankly, that part of the appt was really useless.

The ultrasound was the only good part of the visit. The baby is measuring right on target with growth and the peri was "pleased with the way the baby looked." The sonographer measured the nuchal translucency and it was less than 2 mm, which is supposed to be a good sign for the baby not having Down's. When I asked the peri if the NT results indicated that I had a lower risk for Down's, her response: Well, many doctors would tell you at your age, the only way to show a lowered risk is an amnio...." blah, blah, blah. Finally, she reluctantly said, "yes, your risk is reduced."

Did I mention I waited for an hour after the ultrasound for the doctor to come back from lunch? An hour. Insane. An hour with u/s gunk on my stomach and my pants unbuttoned. An hour. And the nurse was surprised my blood pressure was elevated at the end of the visit.

I didn't really like the peri. She didn't throw off warm fuzzies. She made a big deal of the fact that I have two fibroids and indicated that those could cause a miscarriage or fuse to the placenta and cause problems. From what I have read, that is relatively rare, and I really didn't need anything else to worry about. So now, I'm dreadfully worried about the fibroids. She told me that they tend to grow during pregnancy and at the next visit I might have 20! Ugh. I read some Dr. Google information that said that recent studies have disproven the premise that fibroids grow significantly during pregnancy. My RE was aware of the fibroids and didn't believe, based on their location, that they would interfere with pg and opted not to surgically remove them when I had my polypectomy. I am almost amused that two different doctors could have such a different opinion on the potential problems to be caused by the fibroids. If the outcome of accuracy of their opinions weren't so important, I would be truly amused, but as it is, I am just confused. The new OB commented on the fibroids and she didn't seem too concerned.

All in all, I don't know why I can't get past the anxiety to a happy, pregnancy place. I just can't get there. I keep trying but the fear of something going wrong keeps me restrained from letting myself reveal in the joy of the pregnancy. I certainly don't mean to sound ungrateful. I am not. I just am struggling. If anyone can spare some prayers for my mental state or suggestions on how better to cope, please share.