I've been doing ok, but now... I'm....

SCARED. Scared of all the what if's. What if we don't get multiple eggs? What if the eggs are all duds? What if none/few fertilize? What if we have nothing to transfer? Ugh.

I'm officially stressing. No one around me gets it. I know you guys understand. I could use a hug.

Second u/s

Today was the second u/s. Nine follies growing as they should. Nothing exciting to report, except may not have to go for more bloodwork or u/s tomorrow. If everything looks ok, I'll go back Wed. morning for final check and trigger Wed. night for a Friday retrieval.

Second E2 check and a surprise ultrasound

Today was my second E2 check but I was told my first u/s would be Monday. I was surprised when the nurse said Dr. K was going to do an u/s too (and, of course, I skipped shaving the legs this morning. Grrr.). Normally, I'm not too crazy about meeting the wand, but I wanted to know what's going on in there after 4 days of stims.

So, it looks like there are nine follies ranging from 12-14. Based on my age of 39, I'm pleased with that and Dr. K was pleased. We are ICSI bound, so if all 9 are retrieved, statistically we would have 6-7 fertilize. I would love more to work with, but I'm not 25 or even 35, so I think we are in an ok place for now.

Dr. K expects that I will stim for 9 days, which would be to Wed., with retrieval tenatively on Friday. My E2 from the last check was 245. Dr. K says he likes to see between 100-300. He said I was "textbook". Dh said "Ah man, you weren't even a mystery paperback?" In this context, I'll embrace "textbook".

First E2 Stimming Update

I went for my morning stick before work . I've ditched the coffee and even more sacrificially, Diet Coke, (I miss you, my friend), since stimming started. The only thing that will get me going now is the vicious stab of the phlebotomist, her cruel tool into my arm for a blood draw at the RE's office. (Actually, she's usually a gentle stick, but she must have skipped her coffee, because she was a little on the rough side today. Ouchie!)

Eight + hours later and the results are in (not that I was counting or anything....). After 2.5 days of stimming, E2 is "perfect" according to the nurse. I was too chicken to ask the level afraid I would obsess too much over it as I understand E2 levels can vary wildly. So on the same dose we stay: 75 iu of Menopur and 375 of Follistim (which means 2 Follistim injections tonight since I don't want to waste any of that liquid gold at its expensive cost!) Next E2 check Saturday morning and first post-stimming u/s Monday morning.

So, I guess all is well or I'm too ignorant to know otherwise. This afternoon I have started to have twinges in my ovaries, at least the area that I perceive to be my ovaries, which is where I generally have twinges around ovulation time. I'm embracing the twinges as a signal that something is happening. For now, it is all I've got to go on!

To go or not to go....

The first injection with the Follistim pen was last night and my blogging buddy, PJ, was right. I love the pen! Much better than mixing the Menopur. Tomorrow is my first E2 check. Hoping everything is right on target. I'm on 375 IU of Menopur presently, which I am assuming is attributable to my advanced age. (Yes, I AM old!) I keep telling myself that genetics must be in my favor. My mom had a natural pg at 42 and gave birth to my brother at 43, so surely I can do this!

My RE is having an IVF seminar tonight, which is optional. I can't decide whether I want to go or not. I'm afraid it might make me more anxious and am leaning toward skipping it.

Acupuncture last night. Very relaxing. She used the wonderful mineral heat lamp thingy and electrically stimulated the needles in my abdomen. Who knows if it will help, but I guess it can't hurt anything but my wallet.

The Cheesecake Report

I was feeling pretty bummed yesterday, sort of inexplicably blue. So, I managed to sneak away from the office for a lil trip to Central Market, this fancy, dancy store with all kinds of indulgent and yummy treats. One piece of pumpkin cheesecake with gingersnap crust later, I felt better, if not somewhat guilty. I'll beat myself up over it later but at least I made it through the day.

I have been having IVF dreams. I'm sure it is because thinking about the IVF has been occupying so much of my awake thoughts. So in my dream last night, I was trying to figure out the steps I was supposed to take to administer the medicine and I just couldn't do it. There was some brown goo I had to do something with and I just couldn't get it right. Figures! Actually, Menopur injection no. 1 went ok this morning and Follistim pen injection no. 1 is tonight so hopefully that will go well too. I watched the video on the pen again yesterday. I'm sure if we are on to IVF #2, I'll be an old pro at this...

My RE gives my odds of success at 40%. G thinks those are GREAT odds. To me, not so much. 6 out of 10 women are going to walk away broken-hearted. My IRL friend, who has twins with her partner from their first IUI with donor sperm, is trying to be supportive. "Think positively" she says. I guess it is hard to even dream that after more than 10 years of IF, I might actually have a chance at pregnancy... Trying not to think about the possibilities and just take one step at a time.

Stims start tomorrow....

So, stims start tomorrow and then to the RE for bloodwork to check E2 levels on Thursday and Saturday. I thought I would be excited. Instead, I'm just feeling afraid of failing and pretty emotional. Ugh. I hate feeling emotional. It is just there are so many things that could go wrong from here. (YES, I'm a glass-half-empty-kind-of-gal, esp. where the IF stuff goes).

I thought that I would have an ultrasound so we could see the number of follies developing on Thursday and again on Saturday. I swear that's what my schedule from the RE said, but I found out today no ultrasound until Monday, Nov. 9. I know the E2 levels increasing will show progress, but I was hoping for something more tangible. Kinda bummed about that.

I think I need cheesecake to make me feel all better.