Blue....

I had a little scare last week feeling lots of pressure in my uterus/vagina. I called the dr. late last Friday afternoon when I decided that things were decidedly not normal (a hard determination never having been pg before!) I was instructed to go the ER to check things checked out. On the way to the hospital, the nurse called back and said that the pressure was likely due to a UTI and to go home, rest and drink lots of cranberry juice and if there was no improvement, to go to the ER. Otherwise, she made an appt for me for Monday morning. So, all weekend I drank the cranberry, hoping and praying the dr. diagnosed the problem accurately. I hardly moved off the couch. I literally counted down the hours until the Monday morning appt.
At yesterday’s check, it indeed appears that it is likely that I have a UTI. We won’t know for certain until the culture comes back tomorrow, but the OB prescribed antibiotics with lots of liquids. Otherwise, the internal exam appeared normal. That was a relief!
And… despite my loathing of the peri’s office, with its less than warm doctor and excruciatingly ridiculous long waits, I went to the peri appt yesterday. When I started having the pressure last week, I decided not to cancel the appt as was the plan as I knew the peri would do an ultrasound. So, detailed anatomy scan yesterday and all looks like we are growing a perfectly healthy baby boy.
My son was thrilled as this was his wish. He had told me the night before he didn’t want a sister because she would boss him around. I reminded him that he would be 7 years older than the baby. His response was that it wouldn’t matter, she would still boss him around. At least he has the way of the world figured out at the ripe old age of six!
I was not a bit surprised when the ultrasound tech said she saw boy parts. That was my guess and I’m just happy it appears the baby is healthy, even if I don’t get to shop for pink, girly stuff…. I get to shop for BLUE! :)

14 Week 6 day OB Appointment and G-day Delay

In the midst of an all-time record snow storm for Texas (seriously, we got 12.5 inches at my house, when two inches is a huge news story), I made it to my OB check up. Nothing earth shattering and all seems well. I laughed silently when the new OB did an internal to see if the baby could fit through my hips. Ummmm... small boned is something I have never been accused of being and Dr. D confirmed, there shouldn't be a concern there. :-)

The nurse dopplered the heartbeat, which was 160 and said the heartbeat sounded strong and regular. Yay! Dr. D was reassuring about the fibroids as was the old OB and didn't seem too concerned. With Dr. D's consent, I am cancelling the peri appt I have on Feb. 22. Although it means giving up an ultrasound, the "scare tactics" or worst case scenario presentation (without the disclaimer of the scenario being the worst case) caused me to struggle more emotionally so I am opting not to see Dr. WorstCaseScenario again.

The Dr. D asked about completing the second part of the sequential screen and I told her I didn't think I wanted that test based on the NT scan and the first part of the sequential screen coming back good, the 1st tri results being more accurate and a higher chance for a false positive with the quad screen. She said that was reasonable under the circumstances and that she was comfortable with my decision.

My bp was elevated at the OB's office (160/90). I have chronic high bp anyway. I was instructed to lie on my side and literally 2 minutes later my bp was 117/58. How is the medically possible? Baffling to me.

My next OB appt is March 4, where I will get an ultrasound. G-day was scheduled for Feb. 27, but since the next OB appt is only a few days later, I have cancelled the ultrasound center appointment, telling myself that I can be patient for a few more days. So, we are back where we were last week--- 16 days to G-day. Patience is a virtue, right??

I can't wait to see the baby again! It has been 3 weeks since my last u/s and will be over 5 weeks by the time G-day rolls around.

After the next OB appt, I calculate that I will have one more non-ultrasound appt and then will be on a "regular" ultrasound appt, which Dr. D said would start at 24 weeks. Only 59 more days. I think I have felt some fluttering of the baby, but gosh, at this point it has been hard to tell. I read that baby should be able to make a fist by the end of this week. I know I'll regret it later, but I'm hoping the baby works up to some good punches soon. I want to feel my little guy/girl moving around!

G-Day....

All my genetic testing (CF, Fragile X and some muscular atrophy disorder) came back normal. Yay! While I wasn't particularly concerned about any of them, it is nice to know they are normal.

AND.....

18 days to G-day! While my husband, G_ _ _ _ thought G-day referred to him, he was, well, incorrect. G-day refers to what I have termed "Gender Day"... 18 days and we will know if we are painting (well, G is painting) pink or blue.... Not that I am counting or anything. :-)

The new OB said that we could schedule a gender check between 18 and 20 weeks and I will discuss the scheduling with her at my appt. on Thursday. However, there is a "non-medical" ultrasound place near us that will schedule gender checks at 17 weeks, so at 17 weeks, 1 day, we will attempt to find out the gender. I'm hoping we will get a definitive answer, but I'll have the dr's ultrasound for backup somewhere in the two weeks that follow.

As for preference, I suppose if I were being honest, I prefer a girl. Girly clothes are just cuter than boy clothes and yes, I already have some cute girly things in my Gymboree shopping cart. So cute! But I already have lots of boy clothes left over from my 6 year old son. (Well, at least clothes for 6 months forward. Since my son traveled home from Korea at 7 months of age, I don't have the itty-bitty stuff.)

My son really, really wants a brother. G hasn't voiced a preference, but he says he thinks the baby is a girl. My mother-in-law wants a boy. My parents haven't expressed a preference. My brother thinks the baby is a girl. One of my friends says boy. The old OB says he's guessing girl, but he wasn't looking at an ultrasound or anything, just being silly.

As for my instinct on gender- no clue. Absolutely no idea. I will honestly be happy and surprised either way. I just want a take-home-healthy-baby. :-) 18 days and counting! I can't wait!

Oh, and only 66 days until regular ultrasounds... I'm feeling this is do-able now. I hope my optimism continues.

Still here... and struggling less...

14 weeks today! I'm still here and happily, struggling less with fear and anxiety. The doppler and I are getting along splendidly, and it generally only takes about 30 seconds to find that little chug, chug of the baby's heart. I admit, I have been checking every day though, although I have read that there is some controversy over the safety of doppler usage on a regular basis. I am telling myself that my 30 second doppler usage each day cannot amount to more than a weekly ultrasound... I fully expect to rely on the doppler less once I can feel the baby move, but from conservative reports for a first pregancy, I might still be 5 to 6 weeks away from feeling movement.

The initial bloodwork screening for Down's syndrome and Trisomy 18 (the first part of the "sequential screen") came back normal. I have read that the second part of the sequential screen (the quad screen) can yield less accurate results. I am thinking, therefore, about skipping the second part of the test and just being happy with my 80% all clear on Trisomy 18 and 87% all clear on Down's Syndrone results.

I had my last appt with the "old" OB, Dr. H, this week. Recall that I am switching, in part, because I represented the ex-spouse of one of the doctors in his practice, a doctor that might deliver my baby depending on call schedules. The first thing Dr. H said to me at my appointment was "Still pregnant?" Perhaps he meant this to be funny, but I found it to be in poor taste. I'm not sure that's an appropriate question for any pregnant woman, least of all an infertile who he did fertility treatments on more than a decade ago! I mean, really?

He was very reassuring, however, concerning the fibroids. After the scare talk from the peri the week before, he tells me that in his 27 years of practice, the worst complication he has seen from a fibroid has been the necessity for a c-section. While I prefer not to have a c-section, if that's the worst outcome, I can deal with it...

Otherwise, my next appt with the new OB is February 11. I'm hoping she will schedule the gender ultrasound at that appointment for around week 18. Otherwise, I expect the appt to be a non-event, with a little piddling in a cup and listening to the heartbeat and that sort of thing.

Still counting down the days to the regular ultrasounds, which will begin at 24 weeks. 10 weeks to go. 70 days. I'm telling myself I can make it. I'm relying on the doppler, the gender ultrasound and hopefully feeling some quickening to get me through.

Little better today....

So, the doppler and I got along a little better last night. I found the baby's heartbeat fairly easily at 154 and I even could hear it this time! Previously, I got a reading on the digital monitor, but really couldn't hear anything distinctive. Nice reassurance that if the doppler and I get along, I can make it through the next few weeks. I believe the peri did state that the placenta is in front so that could be some of the difficulty I've experienced, but I've read that at 14 weeks (a week away), 95% of women can hear the heartbeat so hopefully the trend will continue.

Thanks for the support and comments :-)

Struggling....

Ugh. I am struggling. I'll be 13 weeks on Friday but I can't get past the fear that something is going to go wrong. The doppler is not my friend now. For a few days, I found the hb with little trouble and the reading was in the expected range (150-160). Now, I'm lucky if I can get anything and it is generally in the 120's. I'm not sure what to make of that when I had an ultrasound the day before an the hb was 160.

I went to the new OB last Thursday and I really liked her. BUT she didn't do an ultrasound, doppler or internal exam (not that I'm complaining!) said that she won't do any ultrasounds from now until 24 weeks except for a gender check at 18-20 weeks. My brain left the appointment trying to process getting through the next THREE months without having positive proof that the baby is still alive and growing as it should be. I recognize that this may be the standard of care for most pregnant women.... but I just don't like it! The OB said that this is because if there is something wrong prior to 24 weeks there simply isn't much that can be done. She did say that once I hit 24 weeks (which is 78 days away.... yes, I am counting. Can you tell how anxious and miserable I am?), she will do monthly and likely bi-weekly ultrasounds to measure baby's growth because of my blood pressure. She was reassuring in that she doesn't consider my pregnancy "high risk" simply because I'm ancient and because I have high blood pressure. That was reassuring. She didn't seem to think much of the peri practice that the "old" OB referred me to. She indicated I didn't really need to see a peri, but if I wanted to, she would get me into a different practice. So, I left the visit feeling good, optimistic and convincing myself that some how I could get through three months with one ultrasound.... and prepared to cancel the peri appt scheduled for a few days later.

Unfortunately, in a week's time my resolve has weakened and I just am not sure how no ultraounds is going to work for me emotionally. I can go to a local "elective" sonogram place for some reassurance. They do measure the baby's heartbeat, but no opinion as to health of the baby or measurement of growth.

I was all prepared to cancel the peri appt after seeing the new OB. But, my son (adopted from Korea in 2004. See blog entry no. 1) got sick last Friday and I totally forgot to call and cancel Monday's appt. So I went on Monday to the peri appt. The thought of getting an ultrasound was just too big a temptation. The appt itself was a downright BEATING. I was there for over 3 hours starting at 11:30 am and didn't bring a snack. I was feeling very sick when I left from not eating. The genetic counseling session was a joke. I felt insulted when the counselor asked me if I knew what DNA and chromosomes are. Ummmm. No. I'm clueless. Grrrr. Frankly, that part of the appt was really useless.

The ultrasound was the only good part of the visit. The baby is measuring right on target with growth and the peri was "pleased with the way the baby looked." The sonographer measured the nuchal translucency and it was less than 2 mm, which is supposed to be a good sign for the baby not having Down's. When I asked the peri if the NT results indicated that I had a lower risk for Down's, her response: Well, many doctors would tell you at your age, the only way to show a lowered risk is an amnio...." blah, blah, blah. Finally, she reluctantly said, "yes, your risk is reduced."

Did I mention I waited for an hour after the ultrasound for the doctor to come back from lunch? An hour. Insane. An hour with u/s gunk on my stomach and my pants unbuttoned. An hour. And the nurse was surprised my blood pressure was elevated at the end of the visit.

I didn't really like the peri. She didn't throw off warm fuzzies. She made a big deal of the fact that I have two fibroids and indicated that those could cause a miscarriage or fuse to the placenta and cause problems. From what I have read, that is relatively rare, and I really didn't need anything else to worry about. So now, I'm dreadfully worried about the fibroids. She told me that they tend to grow during pregnancy and at the next visit I might have 20! Ugh. I read some Dr. Google information that said that recent studies have disproven the premise that fibroids grow significantly during pregnancy. My RE was aware of the fibroids and didn't believe, based on their location, that they would interfere with pg and opted not to surgically remove them when I had my polypectomy. I am almost amused that two different doctors could have such a different opinion on the potential problems to be caused by the fibroids. If the outcome of accuracy of their opinions weren't so important, I would be truly amused, but as it is, I am just confused. The new OB commented on the fibroids and she didn't seem too concerned.

All in all, I don't know why I can't get past the anxiety to a happy, pregnancy place. I just can't get there. I keep trying but the fear of something going wrong keeps me restrained from letting myself reveal in the joy of the pregnancy. I certainly don't mean to sound ungrateful. I am not. I just am struggling. If anyone can spare some prayers for my mental state or suggestions on how better to cope, please share.

Humor me....

Today I am 10w5d. My last u/s was 9w4d. I don't expect I will have another u/s until 12w3d. While I'm not going crazy (yet....), I have gotten very comfortable with weekly ultrasounds to peek at baby to make sure everything is alright. I've found it difficult to step away from that feeling that the infertility shoe of doom is going to fall at any minute (yes, I know that this is not entirely rational at this point and that statistically, the odds are in my favor. Rationality does not not seem to matter to my infertile brain though).

So, I got a doppler. I know it is early for a doppler, but I was hopeful that it would provide some reassurance going forward. The first few days I could only get a reading that was in the 70's, which had to be me. Today I got a 164, but it only stayed on the digital monitor for 2 seconds literally and then I couldn't get a reading again. I can't hear anything recognizable as a gallop as I understand the heartbeat should sound like. So, humor me and tell me that any reading in the 160s in that region of the body has got to be the baby's heartbeat... Right?