My boys.....

My boys. (Well, not Santa... He's not mine. :-) Evan was 16 weeks in this picture.

A bunch of firsts!

Sorry for not posting sooner. I've been reading but haven't had much time for posting between work, family and laundry. (How can one baby make sooo much extra laundry?!)

Evan is 4 months old now. He's rolling over back to front and occasionally, front to back. He's playing and generally keeping us entertained. Yesterday was our 4 month dr. appt. Evan weighed 14lbs 10 oz (50th percent) and is 26.5 inches long (75th percent). His head circumference lags a bit (10th percent) but the dr. isn't concerned as he's got a little flat spot on the back of his head from sleeping on his back. He's got a sort of continually eye infection in the left eye. We are on our second eye drops. Hopefully, the tear duct will clear up or we will be looking at surgery on it a few months down the road. :-(

We got the green light to start rice cereal. I, apparently, was more excited about that than Evanwas. He took the spoon just fine but wasn't sure about the cereal. The dr. said to start fruits and veggies this next week. Hopefully, he will be happier with solids once they have a bit more flavor.

Yesterday was a big day... not only did Evan try his first solids, but my 7 year old lost his first tooth. The tooth had been loose for weeks but my son hadn't been working it much. Last night, however, the last root gave up and out came the tooth.

First solids and first tooth! December 2, 2010 was a big day!

Better late than never, right?

I can't believe it has been six weeks since Evan was born. I have tried to find time to log in to Blogger since his birth but it has been crazy. Technically, I have been off work but that hasn't really happened. Between the phone calls, emails and projects (ick!), any "free time" has been consumed by work which truly sucks.... I started a post on August 20, but never got to finish it.

I'll post the full birth story later but Evan was born at 5:07 pm on Friday, July 30. Pictocin was started at 5:30 am that morning and I began pushing around 3:30 pm. Two long hours later, he arrived weighing 6 lbs 5 oz and measuring 19 inches long. Presently, I think he is around 8 lbs 2 oz. Breastfeeding hasn't gone well but that's another long story so we are breastfeeding and supplementing with formula via a bottle. (If anyone can use Similac coupons, shoot me an email... I have lots).

Birth pictures of Evan are above from the hospital. He's one day old in these pics. He looks like my DH. All in all, we are doing ok. I survived my mother-in-law's visit and the visit of some of my dh's friends from out-of-state.

Induction scheduled...

So, at 37 weeks 6 days, I'm 100% effaced but still just 1 cm dilated. If baby boy doesn't make his appearance before next Friday, July 30, we are to go to the hospital at 4 am to start inducing the birth.

Let the countdown begin....

37 weeks tomorrow....

37 weeks tomorrow. I can't believe we are getting so close. Still seems surreal. As of today, I'm 80% effaced but still only 1 cm dilated. In the last week, effacement progressed 30%. If it continues at a similar rate, I suppose baby could arrive by the end of next week. One can't help but dilate once effaced at 100%, right?

OB will discuss induction at my appt. next Wed. because of my underlying high bp. She's looking at July 30 or at 39 weeks. I'm not sure we will make it that far, but who knows.

I can feel the baby moving really low (and sort of painfully) now. Feels like he's right on top of my cervix. We got a really creepy u/s pic of his face today. If the pic is accurate, his nose and mouth are grotesquely deformed. I'm hoping he's perfect!

36 weeks...

The internal exam yesterday showed I am 1 cm dilated and 50% effaced. The OB seemed surprised at how low the baby’s head is, but didn’t tell me the station. She said I could deliver at any time or go for a couple of weeks. She didn’t seem concerned that if I had the baby in the next week, I would only be 36 weeks and didn’t tell me to rest or take it easy. Much more spotting after yesterday’s internal than last week’s, with the same continuing today. I’m attributing that to the fact that my cervix is apparently much softer than it was last week. Overall, the cervical progress, I think, is good news.

My OB expressed a little concern because my bp was slightly elevated yesterday at 140/80… ha! I can tell her exactly why- the whole dispute with the peri and the OB over proper monitoring protocols based on my situation. I am more and more convinced that this is a personality conflict/ego war between the peri and the OB. I told the OB that the peri has a different opinion as to performing the biophysical profiles and non-stress test than the OB does. The smirk on her face at that point, coupled with her question “Oh yeah, what did she say?” gave it all away. It was a priceless expression and I felt as if I were a high school student engaging in the latest gossip. The problem with that is that this is about me having a baby not about the OB’s and peri’s egos and gossip regarding the other. I feel stuck in the middle of the two of them. I learned from the very kind nurse at the peri’s office that the OB did her residency under the peri and I wonder how much of this has to do with that former relationship.

The bottom line is if I have sonos/non-stress tests with the peri on Mondays, the OB won’t do any monitoring. The peri conceded to seeing me once a week with the understanding the OB would monitor on Thursdays when I see her, which isn’t the case. If I decide to skip the peri altogether, the OB will do sonos, but not non-stress tests. So, I have three options: (1) see the peri for sonos/non-stress tests on Mondays and have internals with the OB on Thursdays; (2) go back to seeing the peri for sonos/non-stress tests two times a week and see OB for internals; or (3) skip the peri altogether and just see the OB who will do internals/sonos, but no non-stress tests. Right now, I’m scheduled with appointments for option 1. Not sure what I should do. It is difficult to make a decision when the two drs express such varied opinions on the proper protocol. For now, I tend to be sticking my head in the sand and just hoping the baby comes soon so that decision is over. Otherwise, I’m just hoping whatever decision I make doesn’t lead to regret later. I know the decision the OB wants me to make is to skip the peri altogether. Yesterday, she talked about how her office’s equipment is just as good as the peri’s. I wanted to scream that this isn’t about how good the relative equipment is, but rather about me successfully giving birth to a live, living-breathing baby…. Grrrr.

35 weeks...

I’m 35 weeks today. Biophysical profile and non-stress test continue to be fine. I’ve had some mild low cramping off and on. Not sure if these cramps are BH or not and I have a strange vibrating feeling around my cervix several times a day for the past few days. Not sure what that is either. Internal at OB yesterday showed .5 cm dilation and softening cervix. Some spotting afterwards and continuing today, but OB says is to be expected. The baby is estimated to weigh 5 lbs 5 oz at this point.

Unwanted drama with the OB because she doesn’t want me to continue to see the peri on the basis that I am not really high risk simply because of my “advanced maternal age” and pre-pg chronic high bp. She doesn’t think the monitoring the peri is doing is necessary. I tried to explain, although I don’t think I was very articulate, that my anxiety is a function of residual IF fears, the fact that it has taken 12 years to get to this point, my age (40 two months from tomorrow!), and that the additional monitoring is reassuring for me mentally. She said if I continue to see the peri, she doesn’t know what I need her for. Ummm, to deliver the baby? She additionally said I need to have a life and going to the dr. 2x per week isn’t conducive with a life. I tried to explain that right now, having a successful pregnancy IS my life. Ugh.

I went to my peri appt this morning and talked to the peri. I ended up crying (stupid hormones). The peri was adamant that the monitoring in my circumstances is standard medical protocol but has agreed to see me once a week instead of 2x. I’m happy with the compromise but doubt the OB will be.

If I weren’t so close to the end of the pg, I think I would switch OBs. I like her but I feel she doesn’t understand my needs or what pg after IF is like. While I know it is unlikely for anything to go wrong at this point, it does happen and for those it affects, it is certainly devastating. If additional monitoring could prevent such a loss, then I want the additional monitoring. Hopefully, she will take the news that I am still seeing the peri at my appt next week ok. I mean, I have enough on my plate to worry about whether the OB is pissed at me for trying to do what I believe is right for me.

34 weeks...

34 weeks today and at peri appt this morning, baby boy looked fine and passed his non-stress test without having to be buzzed awake as at the last visit.

Still incredulous that after almost 12 years of infertility, I may be holding my baby in a few weeks... I don't think I will actually believe it until he's in my arms!

No contractions and no BH contractions either. I suspect my feet have another full six weeks of swelling to endure. : )

Relief!!!

The baby looks perfect! At 32w4 days, he is estimated to weigh 4lbs 9oz. The peri did a full biophysical profile today and all was as it should be. Because I have chronic high blood pressure (although controlled before and during the pg), the peri will start doing the biophysical profile 2x a week. While I think this may be a little overkill based on the fact my bp is controlled, the constant assurance that all is ok will help me get through the last few weeks of pg.

Thanks for everyone's support relating to my last post and worrying about the abdominal measurement.

Oh, and he's turned and is head down.

32 weeks....

32 weeks. My hands are miserable with the carpal tunnel. And I can't seem to stop worrying about the abdominal measurement lagging 3 weeks or more behind at my last ultrasound appt. While I am so grateful to have made it this far, I can't imagine something going wrong at this point. Ugh. Today is not a good mental health day. Sniff, sniff.

30 weeks, 5 days....

I'm 30 weeks, 5 days. I have a feeling the next few weeks will go by sooo slowly. I saw my OB today. All seems ok. Baby is transverse lying sideways across my abdomen though, so unless he decides to turn in the next few weeks, we will be headed for a c-section. In his present position, apparently, he can swing one or more feet down and give me a good wallop on the 'ole cervix. Not such a pleasant sensation! I am thinking he may more likely end up breech instead of vertex based on the way he's positioned, but time will tell.

He is estimated to weigh 3 lbs, 5 oz. presently. All his measurements were in the same range (30-31 weeks) except for his abdominal measurement which was only measuring 28 weeks. Should I be worried? My OB didn't seem concerned at all... She also didn't measure my cervix, which I thought she would since I was borderline at 24 weeks. I think it will get measured when I see the perinatologist in 2 weeks.

The only really unpleasant pregnancy symptom I have developed is carpal tunnel syndrome in both hands so that my hands go numb frequently and tingle unmercifully to the point of being painful. I had acupuncture last week but couldn't really tell any improvement. I'm supposed to go again tomorrow. My OB suggested wearing wrist braces when sleeping so I guess I'll try that to see if that gives some relief. The good news is that CTS generally goes away within a few months of delivery.

44 more days to term at 37 weeks and 65 to my edd. I can't believe it really. Five more days and only 2 months until edd.

Sad News for a Friend....

So sad for fellow IVFer, Brooke at Scifibaby. She lost her tiny son on Tuesday of this week after her water broke prematurely at 16 weeks. Please give her some support.

26 weeks 4 days.... and no bedrest!

I had my repeat transvaginal ultrasound today at the perinatologist's office and my cervix measured 2.75 and 3.1 when my stomach was depressed so there's been some improvement from 2 weeks ago. Now, the peri doesn't want me to come back for 6 weeks! While that's good news, 6 weeks makes me kinda nervous... (OK, if I'm being really honest, reallyreallyreallynervous!!)

Next appt is with OB on June 2. I find out the results of the glucose screen today. Hoping I passed.

24 weeks 4 days.... (updated)...

24 weeks and 4 days today and had check up with peri. Baby looks good and is measuring right on for some measurements up to a week ahead. That was good news... However, my cervix has shortened from 4 at 12 weeks to 2.55 today, so I'm supposed to stay off my feet. I'm thinking that bed rest at some point will be inevitable, but at least for now, cervix remains closed. (yay!).

Ffn test today as well. Waiting for those results. Back to peri in two weeks for another cervix check and Ffn test.

Just hoping my body cooperates to keep little guy in place for many more weeks!

Update: The Ffn test was negative. Whew!

22 weeks and 3 days....

22 weeks and 3 days and nothing exciting to report (but... boring is kinda nice!) OB appt today with a sonogram and baby looks fine. He is estimated to weigh 1.4 lbs and is measuring about a week ahead. My cervix is holding in there at 3.2.

Baby was fairly inactive before the ultrasound early this afternoon, but since he has been moving like crazy. The ultrasound tech was awesome, although she had me in tears telling me about her sister's adoption of an infant. Adoption always touches my heart because of my son. In a strange coincidence, her sister decided to name the baby what will be our son's full name, Evan J____. Our last name is a first name so we had a hard time finding a name that didn't sound like a good-old-Southern-double-first-name. It is nice to have settled on a name.

Dh gave me a boxed set of classical music cd's this morning to listen to in the car on my way to work for the baby. Hopefully, the baby will like Beethoven and Mozart.

20 weeks, 4 days....

Appt. with the perinatologist today, although I only saw the sonographer. I'm pretty sure the peri's practice is rather a racket but since the racket provides reassurance that all is well, I'll play along... The sonographer explained that unless she sees something questionable, I likely won't see the perinatologist again. Here's hoping I never see the peri!

So, at 20 weeks, 4 days, all appears well. The measurements were mostly right on target for gestational age and the baby is estimated to weigh 15 oz. He gave a big yawn during the ultrasound. So cute! He kept his hands up toward his face almost the entire time so it made getting a good profile picture rather difficult, but at least we could see his head this time. The last time, the sonographer couldn't get any skull measurements because he was so low.

23 days to potential viability (but I'm not counting.... lol!)

My job as an attorney is mostly a desk occupation, with the occasional court appearance thrown in the mix.... and my back isn't liking all this sitting. I try to get up and move around periodically, but I'm still experiencing some cricks and icks. I've taken to switching desk chairs half way through the day and using the heating pad on my back through out the day. Fun stuff! (But I know the pain is worth the reward!)

I really still can't believe I'm expecting. Me! After 11 years of hoping, praying, wishing, crying, etc. Me.... baby... growing inside. Amazing!

On another note, my 6 year old son is apparently getting married today. We were at dinner (after laboring over selecting new carpet at Home Depot, which took forever and was a beating...) last night and he saw some girls from his school. One came over to our table and said she wanted to kiss him on the lips! Then she returned to our table and said she was going to marry him at school today! I figured he would forget the incident but this morning when getting ready for school he said, "So, I guess I'm getting married today". Lol. Boy, they grow up fast... I can't wait to hear how his wedding day went tonight when I get home from work. Kids are funny!

Those vibrations on my cervix....

Yep... Most likely baby said the labor and delivery nurse at 3 am this morning... I had some substantial cramping in the middle of the night and being as paranoid as I am, we headed to the ER. I am afraid of being haunted by what-if's if something happened and I hadn't done everything possible to prevent a bad outcome.

We lucked out because the ER dr used to be a practicing OB and was super-nice. I explained that this was a long journey to get to this place and as a first pregnancy, I have no idea what is normal to feel and what isn't.

Cervix is closed. No dilation. No UTI. No appearance of leaky amniotic fluid. Ultrasound looked perfect and my borderline placenta previa looks as if it has resolved itself (yay--- maybe no c-section for me!) Baby was measuring 18w5d, which is right on schedule. All reassuring news and the L&D nurse who came down to the ER to check me out said that the vibrations were likely the baby and that the movement can be felt on the cervix depending upon the position of the baby.

Reassurance is nice... even if it comes at 3 am in the ER......

Strange sensations....

I'm 19 weeks on Friday and having some strange sensations....

Anyone have strange sensations in the cervix/vagina location like a vibration or fluttering? Is that the baby moving around? (I know he is head down right now). I can't really tell if I can feel him yet. I mainly feel the vibrating/fluttering thing when I am sitting down. I thought if it were the baby, I would feel it a little higher up in my uterus instead of feeling like it is in my vagina....

Any ideas?

Blue....

I had a little scare last week feeling lots of pressure in my uterus/vagina. I called the dr. late last Friday afternoon when I decided that things were decidedly not normal (a hard determination never having been pg before!) I was instructed to go the ER to check things checked out. On the way to the hospital, the nurse called back and said that the pressure was likely due to a UTI and to go home, rest and drink lots of cranberry juice and if there was no improvement, to go to the ER. Otherwise, she made an appt for me for Monday morning. So, all weekend I drank the cranberry, hoping and praying the dr. diagnosed the problem accurately. I hardly moved off the couch. I literally counted down the hours until the Monday morning appt.
At yesterday’s check, it indeed appears that it is likely that I have a UTI. We won’t know for certain until the culture comes back tomorrow, but the OB prescribed antibiotics with lots of liquids. Otherwise, the internal exam appeared normal. That was a relief!
And… despite my loathing of the peri’s office, with its less than warm doctor and excruciatingly ridiculous long waits, I went to the peri appt yesterday. When I started having the pressure last week, I decided not to cancel the appt as was the plan as I knew the peri would do an ultrasound. So, detailed anatomy scan yesterday and all looks like we are growing a perfectly healthy baby boy.
My son was thrilled as this was his wish. He had told me the night before he didn’t want a sister because she would boss him around. I reminded him that he would be 7 years older than the baby. His response was that it wouldn’t matter, she would still boss him around. At least he has the way of the world figured out at the ripe old age of six!
I was not a bit surprised when the ultrasound tech said she saw boy parts. That was my guess and I’m just happy it appears the baby is healthy, even if I don’t get to shop for pink, girly stuff…. I get to shop for BLUE! :)

14 Week 6 day OB Appointment and G-day Delay

In the midst of an all-time record snow storm for Texas (seriously, we got 12.5 inches at my house, when two inches is a huge news story), I made it to my OB check up. Nothing earth shattering and all seems well. I laughed silently when the new OB did an internal to see if the baby could fit through my hips. Ummmm... small boned is something I have never been accused of being and Dr. D confirmed, there shouldn't be a concern there. :-)

The nurse dopplered the heartbeat, which was 160 and said the heartbeat sounded strong and regular. Yay! Dr. D was reassuring about the fibroids as was the old OB and didn't seem too concerned. With Dr. D's consent, I am cancelling the peri appt I have on Feb. 22. Although it means giving up an ultrasound, the "scare tactics" or worst case scenario presentation (without the disclaimer of the scenario being the worst case) caused me to struggle more emotionally so I am opting not to see Dr. WorstCaseScenario again.

The Dr. D asked about completing the second part of the sequential screen and I told her I didn't think I wanted that test based on the NT scan and the first part of the sequential screen coming back good, the 1st tri results being more accurate and a higher chance for a false positive with the quad screen. She said that was reasonable under the circumstances and that she was comfortable with my decision.

My bp was elevated at the OB's office (160/90). I have chronic high bp anyway. I was instructed to lie on my side and literally 2 minutes later my bp was 117/58. How is the medically possible? Baffling to me.

My next OB appt is March 4, where I will get an ultrasound. G-day was scheduled for Feb. 27, but since the next OB appt is only a few days later, I have cancelled the ultrasound center appointment, telling myself that I can be patient for a few more days. So, we are back where we were last week--- 16 days to G-day. Patience is a virtue, right??

I can't wait to see the baby again! It has been 3 weeks since my last u/s and will be over 5 weeks by the time G-day rolls around.

After the next OB appt, I calculate that I will have one more non-ultrasound appt and then will be on a "regular" ultrasound appt, which Dr. D said would start at 24 weeks. Only 59 more days. I think I have felt some fluttering of the baby, but gosh, at this point it has been hard to tell. I read that baby should be able to make a fist by the end of this week. I know I'll regret it later, but I'm hoping the baby works up to some good punches soon. I want to feel my little guy/girl moving around!

G-Day....

All my genetic testing (CF, Fragile X and some muscular atrophy disorder) came back normal. Yay! While I wasn't particularly concerned about any of them, it is nice to know they are normal.

AND.....

18 days to G-day! While my husband, G_ _ _ _ thought G-day referred to him, he was, well, incorrect. G-day refers to what I have termed "Gender Day"... 18 days and we will know if we are painting (well, G is painting) pink or blue.... Not that I am counting or anything. :-)

The new OB said that we could schedule a gender check between 18 and 20 weeks and I will discuss the scheduling with her at my appt. on Thursday. However, there is a "non-medical" ultrasound place near us that will schedule gender checks at 17 weeks, so at 17 weeks, 1 day, we will attempt to find out the gender. I'm hoping we will get a definitive answer, but I'll have the dr's ultrasound for backup somewhere in the two weeks that follow.

As for preference, I suppose if I were being honest, I prefer a girl. Girly clothes are just cuter than boy clothes and yes, I already have some cute girly things in my Gymboree shopping cart. So cute! But I already have lots of boy clothes left over from my 6 year old son. (Well, at least clothes for 6 months forward. Since my son traveled home from Korea at 7 months of age, I don't have the itty-bitty stuff.)

My son really, really wants a brother. G hasn't voiced a preference, but he says he thinks the baby is a girl. My mother-in-law wants a boy. My parents haven't expressed a preference. My brother thinks the baby is a girl. One of my friends says boy. The old OB says he's guessing girl, but he wasn't looking at an ultrasound or anything, just being silly.

As for my instinct on gender- no clue. Absolutely no idea. I will honestly be happy and surprised either way. I just want a take-home-healthy-baby. :-) 18 days and counting! I can't wait!

Oh, and only 66 days until regular ultrasounds... I'm feeling this is do-able now. I hope my optimism continues.

Still here... and struggling less...

14 weeks today! I'm still here and happily, struggling less with fear and anxiety. The doppler and I are getting along splendidly, and it generally only takes about 30 seconds to find that little chug, chug of the baby's heart. I admit, I have been checking every day though, although I have read that there is some controversy over the safety of doppler usage on a regular basis. I am telling myself that my 30 second doppler usage each day cannot amount to more than a weekly ultrasound... I fully expect to rely on the doppler less once I can feel the baby move, but from conservative reports for a first pregancy, I might still be 5 to 6 weeks away from feeling movement.

The initial bloodwork screening for Down's syndrome and Trisomy 18 (the first part of the "sequential screen") came back normal. I have read that the second part of the sequential screen (the quad screen) can yield less accurate results. I am thinking, therefore, about skipping the second part of the test and just being happy with my 80% all clear on Trisomy 18 and 87% all clear on Down's Syndrone results.

I had my last appt with the "old" OB, Dr. H, this week. Recall that I am switching, in part, because I represented the ex-spouse of one of the doctors in his practice, a doctor that might deliver my baby depending on call schedules. The first thing Dr. H said to me at my appointment was "Still pregnant?" Perhaps he meant this to be funny, but I found it to be in poor taste. I'm not sure that's an appropriate question for any pregnant woman, least of all an infertile who he did fertility treatments on more than a decade ago! I mean, really?

He was very reassuring, however, concerning the fibroids. After the scare talk from the peri the week before, he tells me that in his 27 years of practice, the worst complication he has seen from a fibroid has been the necessity for a c-section. While I prefer not to have a c-section, if that's the worst outcome, I can deal with it...

Otherwise, my next appt with the new OB is February 11. I'm hoping she will schedule the gender ultrasound at that appointment for around week 18. Otherwise, I expect the appt to be a non-event, with a little piddling in a cup and listening to the heartbeat and that sort of thing.

Still counting down the days to the regular ultrasounds, which will begin at 24 weeks. 10 weeks to go. 70 days. I'm telling myself I can make it. I'm relying on the doppler, the gender ultrasound and hopefully feeling some quickening to get me through.

Little better today....

So, the doppler and I got along a little better last night. I found the baby's heartbeat fairly easily at 154 and I even could hear it this time! Previously, I got a reading on the digital monitor, but really couldn't hear anything distinctive. Nice reassurance that if the doppler and I get along, I can make it through the next few weeks. I believe the peri did state that the placenta is in front so that could be some of the difficulty I've experienced, but I've read that at 14 weeks (a week away), 95% of women can hear the heartbeat so hopefully the trend will continue.

Thanks for the support and comments :-)

Struggling....

Ugh. I am struggling. I'll be 13 weeks on Friday but I can't get past the fear that something is going to go wrong. The doppler is not my friend now. For a few days, I found the hb with little trouble and the reading was in the expected range (150-160). Now, I'm lucky if I can get anything and it is generally in the 120's. I'm not sure what to make of that when I had an ultrasound the day before an the hb was 160.

I went to the new OB last Thursday and I really liked her. BUT she didn't do an ultrasound, doppler or internal exam (not that I'm complaining!) said that she won't do any ultrasounds from now until 24 weeks except for a gender check at 18-20 weeks. My brain left the appointment trying to process getting through the next THREE months without having positive proof that the baby is still alive and growing as it should be. I recognize that this may be the standard of care for most pregnant women.... but I just don't like it! The OB said that this is because if there is something wrong prior to 24 weeks there simply isn't much that can be done. She did say that once I hit 24 weeks (which is 78 days away.... yes, I am counting. Can you tell how anxious and miserable I am?), she will do monthly and likely bi-weekly ultrasounds to measure baby's growth because of my blood pressure. She was reassuring in that she doesn't consider my pregnancy "high risk" simply because I'm ancient and because I have high blood pressure. That was reassuring. She didn't seem to think much of the peri practice that the "old" OB referred me to. She indicated I didn't really need to see a peri, but if I wanted to, she would get me into a different practice. So, I left the visit feeling good, optimistic and convincing myself that some how I could get through three months with one ultrasound.... and prepared to cancel the peri appt scheduled for a few days later.

Unfortunately, in a week's time my resolve has weakened and I just am not sure how no ultraounds is going to work for me emotionally. I can go to a local "elective" sonogram place for some reassurance. They do measure the baby's heartbeat, but no opinion as to health of the baby or measurement of growth.

I was all prepared to cancel the peri appt after seeing the new OB. But, my son (adopted from Korea in 2004. See blog entry no. 1) got sick last Friday and I totally forgot to call and cancel Monday's appt. So I went on Monday to the peri appt. The thought of getting an ultrasound was just too big a temptation. The appt itself was a downright BEATING. I was there for over 3 hours starting at 11:30 am and didn't bring a snack. I was feeling very sick when I left from not eating. The genetic counseling session was a joke. I felt insulted when the counselor asked me if I knew what DNA and chromosomes are. Ummmm. No. I'm clueless. Grrrr. Frankly, that part of the appt was really useless.

The ultrasound was the only good part of the visit. The baby is measuring right on target with growth and the peri was "pleased with the way the baby looked." The sonographer measured the nuchal translucency and it was less than 2 mm, which is supposed to be a good sign for the baby not having Down's. When I asked the peri if the NT results indicated that I had a lower risk for Down's, her response: Well, many doctors would tell you at your age, the only way to show a lowered risk is an amnio...." blah, blah, blah. Finally, she reluctantly said, "yes, your risk is reduced."

Did I mention I waited for an hour after the ultrasound for the doctor to come back from lunch? An hour. Insane. An hour with u/s gunk on my stomach and my pants unbuttoned. An hour. And the nurse was surprised my blood pressure was elevated at the end of the visit.

I didn't really like the peri. She didn't throw off warm fuzzies. She made a big deal of the fact that I have two fibroids and indicated that those could cause a miscarriage or fuse to the placenta and cause problems. From what I have read, that is relatively rare, and I really didn't need anything else to worry about. So now, I'm dreadfully worried about the fibroids. She told me that they tend to grow during pregnancy and at the next visit I might have 20! Ugh. I read some Dr. Google information that said that recent studies have disproven the premise that fibroids grow significantly during pregnancy. My RE was aware of the fibroids and didn't believe, based on their location, that they would interfere with pg and opted not to surgically remove them when I had my polypectomy. I am almost amused that two different doctors could have such a different opinion on the potential problems to be caused by the fibroids. If the outcome of accuracy of their opinions weren't so important, I would be truly amused, but as it is, I am just confused. The new OB commented on the fibroids and she didn't seem too concerned.

All in all, I don't know why I can't get past the anxiety to a happy, pregnancy place. I just can't get there. I keep trying but the fear of something going wrong keeps me restrained from letting myself reveal in the joy of the pregnancy. I certainly don't mean to sound ungrateful. I am not. I just am struggling. If anyone can spare some prayers for my mental state or suggestions on how better to cope, please share.

Humor me....

Today I am 10w5d. My last u/s was 9w4d. I don't expect I will have another u/s until 12w3d. While I'm not going crazy (yet....), I have gotten very comfortable with weekly ultrasounds to peek at baby to make sure everything is alright. I've found it difficult to step away from that feeling that the infertility shoe of doom is going to fall at any minute (yes, I know that this is not entirely rational at this point and that statistically, the odds are in my favor. Rationality does not not seem to matter to my infertile brain though).

So, I got a doppler. I know it is early for a doppler, but I was hopeful that it would provide some reassurance going forward. The first few days I could only get a reading that was in the 70's, which had to be me. Today I got a 164, but it only stayed on the digital monitor for 2 seconds literally and then I couldn't get a reading again. I can't hear anything recognizable as a gallop as I understand the heartbeat should sound like. So, humor me and tell me that any reading in the 160s in that region of the body has got to be the baby's heartbeat... Right?

Trouble with the OB's office....

When I was at the OB's office last Tuesday, the OB referred me for a peri consult. He said his nurse would make the appt. I asked when I checked out, yep, the nurse will make the appt and call you. I've heard nothing. I called the OB's office Friday morning (I mean 48 hours is enough time to make me an appt, right?). The receptionist: "Dr. H referred you to a what?" Me: (rolling eyes) "a perninatologist". (I can't be the first person from the practice referred. Geez.....) Receptionist: Clicking around in the computer.... "I'll have his nurse call you". No call. This does not make me happy..... The fact that the office doesn't seem to run very efficiently doesn't make me happy. The fact that almost a week later and no progress has been made on a peri appt doesn't make me happy. The fact that my call was not returned does not make me happy. While I consider the referral to the peri important, what if my call were absolutely critical??

So, I decided to switch OBs. My friend recommended one she likes. I've got an appt on January 21. If by some miracle, the current OB's office manages to get a peri appt set up (I have my doubts that will happen...), I will certainly go, but I'm still switching. I want to be comfortable with the practice and I'm not so much.

The other motivating factor is that as an attorney, I represented an interest adverse to one of the other doctors in the practice a couple of years back. I didn't realize he was a member of the practice until I was reviewing the members of the practice thinking "that could be who delivered my baby..." I'm a little uncomfortable mixing professional with personal, too.

9w4d and first OB Appt

First OB appointment yesterday. It was fairly uneventful, but I was a little nervous about it. The OB hadn't scheduled an ultrasound (which is with another office down the hall) but he asked me if it had been a few weeks since my last ultrasound... Me: Ummmmhummmm (8 days sounds like a couple of weeks, right???) So, after the internal exam and blood work, I am on my way down the hall to get my first abdominal ultrasound. The picture wasn't nearly as clear as the transvaginal ones, but it was nice not to be "invaded". The baby is measuring right on time at 2.81 cm and the heartrate was 166. The sonographer was super nice and when I told her this had been a LONG journey she said "I hope I get to do all your ultrasounds". That was nice! But... I don't think it is going to happen. The OB is referring me to a perinatologist because of my age and the fact that I take blood pressure medicine for high blood pressure (genetic). That's ok. Another doctor monitoring the pregnancy can't hurt. My first peri appt is supposed to be in the next two weeks and then I'm back to the OB in a month. I have to say it is strange to go from the RE where the pregnancy was a miraculous event to the OB, where pregnancies are a dime a dozen....

Otherwise, the queasiness seems less frequent and I'm starting to feel not as tired, which is good, but the symptoms were reassuring nonetheless. I'm telling myself it is ok to start feeling more normal at 10 weeks. Right??

On a sad note, one of our cats died suddenly yesterday. It looks like a stroke or a heart attack. He was 14 and was a "bad" kitty but we loved him. My 23 year old brother, who lives with us while attending college, loved that cat soooo much. G and I are really sad we lost the cat, but my brother's grief is much more intense. He's taking care of burying him today. :-(